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- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
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Oh, look!
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There's a string of pasta
hanging out of my mouth.
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Anybody want to meet in
the middle of this thing?
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No! Gene, I can't keep meeting
you in the middle of spaghetti.
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We got to get through dinner.
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We're going to the symphony tonight.
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Yay.
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I-I mean, uh, I'm excited to go.
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Hey, it's their one free concert night.
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If we miss it, we'd have to pay
to go, and we're not doing that.
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I still don't understand
why we're doing this at all.
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The symphony? Us?
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It's like giving a monkey a monocle.
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Yeah, we're more like those
monkeys that wear sunglasses
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and ride motorcycles and
give people the finger.
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We are not those types of monkeys,
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and we are going to the symphony.
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I told you, I was at
the vagina-cologist,
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in the waiting room, reading
that parenting magazine,
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Modern Swaddlin', and
it said you're supposed
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to play classical music for babies
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to stimulate their brains and stuff.
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We never exposed you
to any classical music
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when you were babies.
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Just a bunch of Billy Joel.
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You have baby Billy Joel brains.
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But you did expose us to a
lot of your "uptown girls."
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- Bosoms.
- Also, we're not babies anymore.
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And by the way, I turned out perfect.
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And then there's Gene and
Tina, who are doing their best.
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Hi. Wait, what?
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Oh, really? May I remind you all
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of your report cards from last week?
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No, you may not. Sorry, you can.
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Cs and Ds. A lot of Cs and
Ds in there. I don't like it.
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Well, how are we supposed to
concentrate at school anyway?
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We're in the middle
of a pinworm epidemic.
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There are pinworms crawling
through kids' stomachs,
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laying eggs in their anuses,
and I'm supposed to be able
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to think about what
two plus two equals?!
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Wait, is that what you're
being taught in math right now?
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Butt worms, Dad!
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That's what I'm being taught!
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And it's itchy, and
kids start scratching
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and spread the eggs everywhere!
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- Gross.
- Yeah.
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I mean, children are
basically disgusting.
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I know! Why did you have any?
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It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Well, hopefully everyone
paid attention to Mr. Frond's
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fun and informative
and slightly provocative
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hand-washing assembly.
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Hello, Right Hand.
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Would you like to take a shower with me?
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I would love to, Left Hand,
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but my cousin is in town visiting.
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Can I bring him? His name is Soap.
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He's more than welcome.
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I think we're all gonna
get along just fine.
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- It was hot.
- So, let's get to it, kids.
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Come on, wash them if you got them.
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No worms are hitching a
ride in these cabooses.
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It's not "cabooses," it's "cabeese."
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Okay, after the hand-washing,
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everybody go get ready real fast.
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Symphony attire.
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That means no exposed midriffs.
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- Gene, I'm talking to you.
- Damn it.
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Wheels up in 45 minutes, people!
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I don't know what that
means, but I heard it on TV,
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and I like the sound of it. Holy moly!
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Did this get even bigger
while I was making dinner?
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Yeah, TV will be less fun now
that we can't see it anymore.
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What happened? Did you mess it up?
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Kids, you know you can't leave
this thing here forever, right?
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This is our living room.
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But was this room really living, hmm?
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- What is it again?
- Um, it's a hamster slide, obviously.
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But we don't have a hamster.
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Well, we didn't really
need one before the slide.
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I mean, I don't think hamsters
are supposed to go down slides.
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- Especially like that.
- Oh, excuse us, Jane Goodall.
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Couldn't you just, like,
roll a marble down it?
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That would still be fun, right?
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- He really just doesn't get it.
- I know.
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Also, it's not even finished yet.
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Our loop de loop needs more loop.
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- Don't we all.
- Let's get loopy!
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No! No more hamster slide!
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Go get ready, move!
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Symphony!
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Hmm, what are we after here?
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Something nice but not too flashy.
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No need for Glamor Tina.
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Unless... what if there's
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a handsome 15-year-old
prodigy up on stage?
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And our eyes meet, and
he says, "I sure could use
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some help warming up my
lips to play this oboe."
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And I go up there and warm up his lips,
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and the audience is like,
"Oboe, you didn't."
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Ooh, this is perfect.
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Hmm, looks a little small.
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Boy, I am growing like a weed.
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Hey, what do you think
of my symphony voice?
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Hello, pardon me, good man,
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but can you point me
towards the nearest hot dog?
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Who said that? Where did Gene go?
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Hey, come hold this while I tape.
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So, that's your symphony attire?
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Yeah, everyone wears a bolo
tie to the symphony. Crack a book.
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- Bob, you look fine, come on.
- No!
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We can't keep looking
for your dress shoes.
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- We got to go.
- But these clogs look stupid.
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And the whole symphony's
gonna laugh at me.
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Maybe the trombone player will
just make a sad trombone sound.
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That's what I'm worried about.
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Tina, you ready? We
got to get going soon.
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Cool, cool, cool.
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Um... so...
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I may have outgrown this dress.
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Or the dress fits great and it's just
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that your arm fell off
and your boobs got weird.
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Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
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Ow. Ow. Ow!
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- You know what, I think it's fine.
- It is?
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Yeah, you-you-you...
you can barely notice.
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I honestly didn't notice
until you pointed it out.
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Yeah, and it makes my clogs seem normal.
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- What?
- Um, nothing.
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Okay, let's rock. We're gonna be early.
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Nothing's gonna stop us now, baby.
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Itchy.
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Going to the symphony.
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It's really happening.
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Do you guys already
feel a little stimulated?
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My arm is tingling a bit.
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- Itchy!
- Gene, what is it?
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Gene?
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No... !
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Pinworms... !
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You know what, I'm gonna just...
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Ah.
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So we really think
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Gene got the pinwheels?
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Um, I think it's pinworms.
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Right, right, pinworms, yeah.
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He has all the signs, Mom...
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The itching, the crazy look in his eye,
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like a boy whose butt is possessed.
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But I thought you guys
were washing your hands,
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like, all the time.
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It's Gene, Dad.
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He's not a clean child.
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Remember that week we
thought he had a sunburn,
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but it was really hot wing sauce
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all over the back of his neck?
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- Mm.
- For three days.
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Guys! Are you coming back?
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Or should I come there or... ?
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- No! - No, baby, it's okay.
- No! No! No!
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You just sit tight,
buddy, you're doing great!
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I say we leave out of the fire escape.
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Find a new house, find a
new Gene, never look back.
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- Yeah, maybe.
- Bob!
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Sorry. I mean, poor Gene.
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Uh, I'm gonna look up what to do.
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Oh, God, do you think Gene touched
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the laptop with his pinworm fingers?
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- Or just put his bare butt on it?
- What?
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You think he put his bare butt on it?
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Dad, it's best to start with where Gene
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hasn't put his bare butt.
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- The ceiling?
- I wouldn't rule it out.
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Oh, no.
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Our hamster slide... You
touched our hamster slide
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- with your butt fingers!
- Damn it, Gene!
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Oh, my God, uh, forget
the hamster slide.
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What about the fact that
we work in a restaurant?
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Dad, can we please stay focused
on what's important right now?
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For once in your life!
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Oh, okay, I'm gonna go online.
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There won't be any horrible images
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when I type in "pinworms," right?
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I'm sorry! I don't know how it
happened. I washed my hands a lot.
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Even though it went against
everything I believe in.
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It's okay, the slide will be okay.
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Dad will get medicine, and we'll just...
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we'll crush it into a
powder, and we'll make a mist
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and spray it on the slide, right?!
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Louise, calm down.
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Also, for the record, the hamster slide
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is not a permanent fixture in our house.
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Yes, it is!
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Okay, uh, I-I saw some things, um...
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I am not the same person I used
to be, and I washed my hands
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in the hottest water
I've ever washed them in.
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And it really hurt.
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00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:07,684
But the good news is it
looks like I can go pick up
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00:07:07,715 --> 00:07:09,135
some over-the-counter
medicine at the pharmacy.
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00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,880
Does-does anyone want
to trade eyes with me?
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00:07:11,905 --> 00:07:15,166
Wait, you're going now?
But we'll be late for the symphony.
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00:07:15,191 --> 00:07:16,692
Linda, we can't go to the symphony.
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00:07:16,717 --> 00:07:19,059
Yeah, Mom, didn't you
hear? Gene has butt worms.
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In his butt!
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00:07:19,951 --> 00:07:21,935
I mean,
we don't know for sure that it's pinworms.
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00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,977
Maybe Gene just needs to wipe better.
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Better or with more passion?
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00:07:25,794 --> 00:07:27,942
- Both.
- Though, if I had pinworms,
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00:07:27,967 --> 00:07:31,319
it would explain the pinworms
I saw in my poop the other day.
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00:07:31,344 --> 00:07:32,821
- Oh, Gene!
- Gene!
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00:07:32,846 --> 00:07:34,785
What? I thought it was
rice, but now I'm like,
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does rice wiggle?
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Mom, we need to forget
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00:07:37,963 --> 00:07:40,629
about the symphony and just
start burning everything
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00:07:40,654 --> 00:07:42,953
Gene's touched... his
clothes, his sheets, his room.
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00:07:42,978 --> 00:07:44,981
The whole house to be safe, honestly.
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No! Not tonight!
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00:07:46,348 --> 00:07:47,439
We're going out!
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00:07:47,464 --> 00:07:48,959
We're going to see the symphony!
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00:07:48,984 --> 00:07:50,203
Whoa.
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00:07:50,228 --> 00:07:51,464
Look, we'll just get some big mittens
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00:07:51,489 --> 00:07:53,605
and tape them to
Gene's hands so he can't
224
00:07:53,630 --> 00:07:55,349
scratch and spread it
everywhere, that's all.
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00:07:55,374 --> 00:07:57,185
It sort of changes the silhouette
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00:07:57,209 --> 00:07:59,270
I was going for with
my outfit, but okay.
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00:07:59,295 --> 00:08:02,542
But, uh, Linda, uh,
he'll, he'll be doing that,
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00:08:02,567 --> 00:08:04,108
right, at-at the symphony.
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He'll just, uh, he'll
look like he's excited.
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- Excited for music.
- Okay, look, we-we still have,
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00:08:09,373 --> 00:08:11,574
like, 20 minutes before we
really have to leave, right?
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00:08:11,599 --> 00:08:13,145
Barely, yeah.
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00:08:13,170 --> 00:08:14,754
So I'll run around the corner,
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00:08:14,779 --> 00:08:17,747
pick up some medicine real
quick, and be back in time
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00:08:17,772 --> 00:08:19,606
to try and talk you out of this.
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00:08:19,631 --> 00:08:21,723
Fine, go. I'm gonna go look for mittens.
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Hopefully find some that
say "I don't have worms,
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00:08:23,465 --> 00:08:25,007
and also my mom is a great mom."
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00:08:25,084 --> 00:08:27,560
Ugh. I'm gonna go take,
like, eight showers.
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00:08:27,585 --> 00:08:29,863
Gene, don't touch anything,
and if you have to scratch,
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00:08:29,887 --> 00:08:33,449
- just do it over the clothes, okay?
- Yes, Father. Before you leave,
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00:08:33,474 --> 00:08:35,784
can you just scatter some
Legos on the rug?
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00:08:35,809 --> 00:08:38,322
No, that wouldn't be fair to the Legos.
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00:08:38,347 --> 00:08:41,690
Also, maybe don't leave this
room or general area at all?
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00:08:41,715 --> 00:08:44,221
- Stay, boy, stay.
- I'm a human being!
246
00:08:44,246 --> 00:08:48,167
Don't leave me alone with
him! I-I mean, hey, fella.
247
00:08:48,192 --> 00:08:49,634
- Tina?
- Yeah?
248
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:51,417
- Can you do me a favor?
- What?
249
00:08:51,442 --> 00:08:52,925
Will you go to the kitchen for me?
250
00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:54,711
I need something to
scratch my butt with.
251
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,827
The rug's not pointy enough,
252
00:08:56,852 --> 00:08:58,955
and my cute little chubby
fingers aren't cutting it.
253
00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:00,674
And I'm not supposed to move.
254
00:09:00,699 --> 00:09:03,125
Uh... okay.
255
00:09:03,254 --> 00:09:06,582
Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.
256
00:09:06,607 --> 00:09:07,895
Aah, worms!
257
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,683
Oh, okay, no, that's spaghetti.
258
00:09:09,708 --> 00:09:11,260
Uh, here.
259
00:09:11,285 --> 00:09:12,705
Thank you.
260
00:09:12,729 --> 00:09:15,146
Uh...
261
00:09:17,004 --> 00:09:19,235
- Tina, just hand it to me!
- Here!
262
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:20,379
- Ow!
- Sorry.
263
00:09:20,403 --> 00:09:22,652
Ah.
264
00:09:22,677 --> 00:09:24,606
You know, I think I
remember how it happened.
265
00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:25,638
Oh, yeah? How?
266
00:09:25,663 --> 00:09:28,151
It was a sunny day, not too long ago.
267
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:30,528
I was washing my hands
like a good little boy,
268
00:09:30,553 --> 00:09:33,916
and then out of my pocket falls
a tater tot from the cafeteria.
269
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,801
I must've had a hole in my shorts.
270
00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:38,909
- I have questions, but okay.
- So I go to pick it up
271
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:40,266
- to eat it.
- To throw it away, yeah.
272
00:09:40,291 --> 00:09:42,049
- Oh, okay.
- And who comes out of the stall
273
00:09:42,074 --> 00:09:45,000
but one Peter Pescadero.
274
00:09:45,025 --> 00:09:47,906
And he leans over, picks
up my tater tot and says...
275
00:09:47,931 --> 00:09:49,682
This your tater tot, Gene?
276
00:09:49,707 --> 00:09:52,077
And before I know it, I've
popped it into my mouth.
277
00:09:52,102 --> 00:09:53,594
And it was delicious!
278
00:09:53,619 --> 00:09:54,677
Oh, Gene, no.
279
00:09:54,753 --> 00:09:56,679
Peter was trying to be nice, but he was
280
00:09:56,704 --> 00:09:58,566
fresh off the pot and
got worms on my tot!
281
00:09:58,591 --> 00:10:00,660
Wait, Gene, was that the day
282
00:10:00,685 --> 00:10:01,995
you were coming out
of the boys' bathroom
283
00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,059
right as I was going
into the girls' bathroom,
284
00:10:04,084 --> 00:10:05,395
and we said "bathroom
buddies" and high-fived?
285
00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:06,719
I think it was.
286
00:10:06,744 --> 00:10:08,777
That was such a great moment for us.
287
00:10:08,802 --> 00:10:11,200
Tell me you washed your hand
after you touched that tater tot, Gene!
288
00:10:11,225 --> 00:10:12,956
Why would I ever wash
tater tot off of me?
289
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,864
No! Aah!
290
00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:16,250
Oh, God, I think I feel them!
291
00:10:16,275 --> 00:10:17,770
What, you already feel them?
292
00:10:17,794 --> 00:10:19,438
I don't know how it works, Gene!
293
00:10:19,514 --> 00:10:20,713
Just g-give me that thing!
294
00:10:20,738 --> 00:10:23,487
Ah, ah, ah.
295
00:10:23,512 --> 00:10:24,725
That's the stuff.
296
00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:27,113
Pinworm medicine and gum, huh?
297
00:10:27,138 --> 00:10:28,262
Uh, yep.
298
00:10:28,287 --> 00:10:29,879
What's the gum for?
299
00:10:29,904 --> 00:10:31,538
Um... chewing?
300
00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:33,475
Okay, just as long as you're not gonna
301
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,593
stick it down there in your situation,
302
00:10:35,618 --> 00:10:37,054
trying to catch those worms, you know?
303
00:10:37,079 --> 00:10:39,699
What? No. Oh, no. God, no.
304
00:10:39,724 --> 00:10:41,961
Well, full disclosure, sir,
you wouldn't be the first.
305
00:10:42,036 --> 00:10:43,944
I'm... gonna go.
306
00:10:43,969 --> 00:10:45,227
Okay, then.
307
00:10:45,252 --> 00:10:46,873
Okay, I got the medicine.
308
00:10:46,898 --> 00:10:48,542
W-Wait. What-What's...
what's happening?
309
00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:49,949
It's not good, Dad.
310
00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:51,469
The worms got Tina.
311
00:10:51,494 --> 00:10:53,494
- Oh, no. They did?
- We don't know that.
312
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,664
It's probably just her
brain thinking she has 'em
313
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,979
and being all spycho-spaztastic.
314
00:10:58,004 --> 00:10:59,503
Psychosomatic?
315
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:00,813
- What?
- It's real!
316
00:11:00,837 --> 00:11:02,130
They're having a field
day down there, man!
317
00:11:02,154 --> 00:11:04,081
Why is our spaghetti
server thingy in here?
318
00:11:04,106 --> 00:11:06,686
Don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to, Dad.
319
00:11:06,711 --> 00:11:08,561
Oh, come on. I like that thing.
320
00:11:08,586 --> 00:11:10,489
- I'm gonna miss it.
- It has a greater purpose now.
321
00:11:10,564 --> 00:11:13,550
Anyway, it's time to go to the symphony!
322
00:11:13,575 --> 00:11:14,956
We can do the medicine in the car.
323
00:11:14,981 --> 00:11:16,662
Here we go, everybody!
324
00:11:16,686 --> 00:11:18,812
- Linda, no.
- It's fine, it's fine.
325
00:11:18,837 --> 00:11:20,482
Shush, shush, shush,
shush, shush, shush.
326
00:11:20,506 --> 00:11:22,014
Hey, Dad, on the bright side,
327
00:11:22,039 --> 00:11:23,668
I saw your dress shoes in the bathroom.
328
00:11:23,693 --> 00:11:25,860
Really? Wh-Wh-What were
they doing in there?
329
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:28,453
Maybe they needed to
poop, Dad! I don't know!
330
00:11:28,478 --> 00:11:30,853
- Okay.
- Damn it!
331
00:11:30,878 --> 00:11:33,512
Mom, can you tape the spaghetti
spoon to my mitten, please?
332
00:11:33,536 --> 00:11:35,347
Don't you think that
would look a little silly?
333
00:11:35,371 --> 00:11:37,371
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Aah!
334
00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:38,832
They... they were behind the tub.
335
00:11:38,857 --> 00:11:40,144
- That's so weird.
- Wait!
336
00:11:40,169 --> 00:11:41,761
Dad, drop those shoes!
337
00:11:41,786 --> 00:11:44,712
Why? W-W-W-Why? Why?
Why are you saying that?
338
00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:46,840
I may have been playing
Bottomless Businessman
339
00:11:46,865 --> 00:11:48,832
after a shower the other day.
340
00:11:48,857 --> 00:11:51,575
You know, no pants, making
deals, mergers, acquisitions.
341
00:11:51,704 --> 00:11:53,032
Okay, okay, I got it.
342
00:11:53,056 --> 00:11:54,891
Which I call mergies and acquizoozies.
343
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,891
Gene, what does this
have to do with my shoes?
344
00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:59,353
I wear your dress shoes when I'm
playing Bottomless Businessman.
345
00:11:59,378 --> 00:12:01,093
That's the "businessman" part.
346
00:12:01,118 --> 00:12:03,055
And also, I might have
scratched some stuff.
347
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,783
Oh, God. I touched my mustache!
348
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:07,712
I touched the shoes, and
then I touched my mustache,
349
00:12:07,737 --> 00:12:10,177
'cause I thought there was stuff
in it 'cause there always is,
350
00:12:10,202 --> 00:12:13,482
and I-I-I... I think I
touched my mouth, too. Ugh!
351
00:12:13,507 --> 00:12:14,987
- Ugh!
- Well, that's great.
352
00:12:15,012 --> 00:12:16,912
That's just great. Now
you all have pinworms.
353
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:18,724
I don't have any pinworms.
354
00:12:18,748 --> 00:12:21,675
Really? You don't
think there's any chance
355
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:23,585
Gene gave you pinworms?
356
00:12:28,638 --> 00:12:31,552
- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
357
00:12:31,577 --> 00:12:33,555
- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
358
00:12:33,579 --> 00:12:34,929
I love you.
359
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,649
Okay, Gene probably gave me worms.
360
00:12:37,317 --> 00:12:39,049
Louise, where are you going?
361
00:12:39,074 --> 00:12:42,464
-Nowhere.
-Louise, come on. We got to leave.
362
00:12:42,489 --> 00:12:45,774
Not me. Not in a car, trapped,
363
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,142
with all of you... and your worms.
364
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,227
Louise, symphony!
365
00:12:54,778 --> 00:12:57,059
Stay away from me, worm woman!
366
00:12:57,084 --> 00:12:58,907
I'm not gonna give you worms!
367
00:12:58,955 --> 00:13:00,507
I just want to give you... culture!
368
00:13:00,531 --> 00:13:03,574
- Damn it!
- I am exposing you kids
369
00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:05,919
to classical music if
it's the last thing I do
370
00:13:05,944 --> 00:13:07,921
before these butt
worms eat my whole body!
371
00:13:07,946 --> 00:13:09,955
Bob, Tina, Gene, block the stairs
372
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,400
in case she gets past me
and tries to go outside.
373
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,159
Oh, God, I feel itchy.
374
00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:16,182
Do I already have them?
It feels like I do.
375
00:13:16,207 --> 00:13:18,140
- I don't like this!
- Grow up, Dad!
376
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,716
Yeah, grow up, Bob,
and block the stairs!
377
00:13:20,741 --> 00:13:22,110
Okay, fine!
378
00:13:23,796 --> 00:13:26,176
Here's Mommy! Huh?
379
00:13:26,201 --> 00:13:27,775
Louise?
380
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:29,548
Where are you, baby?
381
00:13:29,573 --> 00:13:31,797
My little Louisey Peasy Over Easy?
382
00:13:31,821 --> 00:13:33,937
Where are you, sweetie?
383
00:13:34,066 --> 00:13:35,541
Gene, you're grounded.
384
00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:38,636
I-I know I shouldn't ground you
for getting sick, but I want to.
385
00:13:38,661 --> 00:13:41,445
Uh-huh. Hey, can you take those
sweet little fingers of yours
386
00:13:41,522 --> 00:13:43,442
and just give me a quick scratch?
387
00:13:43,482 --> 00:13:45,741
- No!
- Well, then untape us, you monster!
388
00:13:45,766 --> 00:13:48,003
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come on, Dad.
389
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:50,426
We have the right to scratch our
butts like every other citizen.
390
00:13:50,451 --> 00:13:52,651
But your mom's really scary
right now, and if I untape you,
391
00:13:52,675 --> 00:13:54,653
I-I don't know what she'll do to me.
392
00:13:54,677 --> 00:13:56,730
I hope your worms are hungry.
393
00:13:56,755 --> 00:13:58,514
- Tina!
- Oh, too much? Sorry.
394
00:13:58,591 --> 00:14:00,516
Louise?
395
00:14:00,541 --> 00:14:03,268
It's okay. You don't need to be scared.
396
00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:04,979
You under here? Where are ya?
397
00:14:05,003 --> 00:14:06,665
Oh, my face!
398
00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:09,459
Oh, stupid blanket! Louise?!
399
00:14:10,373 --> 00:14:11,526
W-Where'd Louise go?
400
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,856
- Oh, I-I... I don't know.
- You didn't see her?!
401
00:14:13,881 --> 00:14:15,174
We've got a lot going on, Mom.
402
00:14:15,198 --> 00:14:17,078
- Oh, calm down, Tina.
- You calm down.
403
00:14:17,108 --> 00:14:19,178
Louise always talked about
wanting to see Machu Picchu.
404
00:14:19,202 --> 00:14:21,639
- Maybe check there?
- Aah!
405
00:14:21,664 --> 00:14:24,925
Where are you, Louise? Mama needs this.
406
00:14:25,050 --> 00:14:29,057
♪ One thing I've always
wanted since I was very small ♪
407
00:14:29,082 --> 00:14:30,818
♪ Was to be the best damn mommy ♪
408
00:14:30,843 --> 00:14:33,449
♪ The bestest of 'em all ♪
409
00:14:33,474 --> 00:14:37,923
♪ I'd be loving, I'd be
kind, but also fair and firm ♪
410
00:14:37,948 --> 00:14:40,277
♪ But now their report
cards are full of Ds ♪
411
00:14:40,302 --> 00:14:44,949
♪ And their butts
are full of worms! ♪
412
00:14:44,974 --> 00:14:50,080
♪ Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom,
and it was my favorite job ♪
413
00:14:50,105 --> 00:14:54,700
♪ And I'm gonna scratch
my bottom right now ♪
414
00:14:54,725 --> 00:14:56,494
♪ What if we all
scratched our butts ♪
415
00:14:56,518 --> 00:14:58,202
♪ Against each other's butts? ♪
416
00:14:58,227 --> 00:15:02,633
♪ No, that's stupid,
okay, maybe not ♪
417
00:15:02,658 --> 00:15:05,492
♪ If only I had taken
them to the symphony ♪
418
00:15:05,517 --> 00:15:07,109
♪ When they were still young ♪
419
00:15:07,134 --> 00:15:09,150
♪ They'd be getting
all straight As ♪
420
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:12,675
♪ And be so clean
between their buns ♪
421
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:17,628
♪ Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom,
and it was my favorite job ♪
422
00:15:17,653 --> 00:15:22,331
♪ And I'm gonna scratch
my bottom right now. ♪
423
00:15:23,855 --> 00:15:25,708
What? Ah, boy.
424
00:15:25,732 --> 00:15:27,524
Louise? You out there?
425
00:15:27,549 --> 00:15:30,067
Louise? What the... ?
426
00:15:30,092 --> 00:15:31,879
- What the hell's this?
- Ugh!
427
00:15:31,904 --> 00:15:34,216
I couldn't get the fire
escape ladder to work
428
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,177
because of my tiny arms, so I
made a rope out of paper towel.
429
00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:38,535
Okay.
430
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,205
You were supposed to think
I used it to climb down,
431
00:15:40,229 --> 00:15:43,040
and then you'd totally
freak out and probably faint,
432
00:15:43,065 --> 00:15:45,824
like, "Wha-uh," and I'd have
time to jump in the window
433
00:15:45,849 --> 00:15:47,061
and run out the front door.
434
00:15:47,086 --> 00:15:48,972
But it's so short, and it's paper towel.
435
00:15:48,996 --> 00:15:51,163
- It was a good plan!
- Come on.
436
00:15:51,188 --> 00:15:52,925
We still have time to see
the second half of the show
437
00:15:52,950 --> 00:15:55,738
- if we hurry.
- Fine. Fine!
438
00:15:55,763 --> 00:15:58,171
Just give me some space, Wonder Wormon.
439
00:15:58,196 --> 00:16:00,097
Okay, okay.
440
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,049
That's a girl.
441
00:16:02,125 --> 00:16:03,912
Now we're all gonna go to the
symphony and have a good time
442
00:16:03,936 --> 00:16:05,844
and soak it up into our brains. Right?
443
00:16:05,869 --> 00:16:07,272
You know, you're right. It'll be fun.
444
00:16:07,297 --> 00:16:09,233
And maybe pinworms aren't so bad.
445
00:16:09,258 --> 00:16:11,110
I mean, they're probably
more scared of our butts
446
00:16:11,134 --> 00:16:12,921
than our butts are
scared of them, right?
447
00:16:12,945 --> 00:16:15,424
Oh, my God, raccoons.
448
00:16:15,448 --> 00:16:16,950
Are they having a... dance-off?
449
00:16:16,974 --> 00:16:18,023
What? Where?
450
00:16:18,048 --> 00:16:20,285
Damn it, Louise!
451
00:16:22,729 --> 00:16:24,029
Crap, crap, crap.
452
00:16:24,054 --> 00:16:25,738
Hello, there.
453
00:16:25,763 --> 00:16:27,907
You're trapped, Louise.
There's nowhere to run.
454
00:16:29,726 --> 00:16:31,922
- No. No!
- Just give in, Louise.
455
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:33,633
You don't want to be the
one weirdo in the family
456
00:16:33,657 --> 00:16:35,299
who doesn't have worms, do you?
457
00:16:35,324 --> 00:16:37,427
It helps to pretend they're
not worms, they're butterflies.
458
00:16:37,452 --> 00:16:39,114
It-it... I don't know,
it's just my process.
459
00:16:39,190 --> 00:16:40,356
Butt-er-flies.
460
00:16:40,381 --> 00:16:41,432
Oh, yeah, I didn't even think of that.
461
00:16:41,456 --> 00:16:43,257
Uh, Linda, I have to say,
462
00:16:43,385 --> 00:16:45,769
- you look really athletic right now.
- Thanks.
463
00:16:45,794 --> 00:16:46,789
There's some pee coming out.
464
00:16:46,813 --> 00:16:48,145
Okay, a lot of pee. Oh, God.
465
00:16:48,222 --> 00:16:50,981
Uh-huh. Also, maybe,
uh, we should think about
466
00:16:51,006 --> 00:16:52,776
- everybody taking the medicine.
- Not now, Bob!
467
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:56,297
- Right, sorry.
- Oh... so dizzy. Ah.
468
00:16:56,322 --> 00:16:58,467
Not me. I could run in tiny
circles like this forever
469
00:16:58,491 --> 00:17:00,370
and don't need to throw up at all.
470
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:01,994
Whoa!
471
00:17:02,019 --> 00:17:03,944
No!
472
00:17:04,021 --> 00:17:05,290
Is the hamster okay?!
Is the hamster okay?!
473
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:07,833
Oh, right. We don't have a hamster.
474
00:17:10,708 --> 00:17:13,112
You killed it! You killed
our beautiful hamster slide,
475
00:17:13,137 --> 00:17:15,107
the only thing I've ever loved.
476
00:17:15,132 --> 00:17:17,035
You were so jealous of
it, you had to destroy it.
477
00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:18,468
Isn't that right, Mother?!
478
00:17:18,493 --> 00:17:20,489
Kids, shush. Linda, are you okay?
479
00:17:20,513 --> 00:17:22,208
Linda? Lin?
480
00:17:22,233 --> 00:17:25,067
Oh, my God, the slide's
dead and Mom's dead?
481
00:17:25,092 --> 00:17:26,831
And I've got butt worms? What the hell?!
482
00:17:26,856 --> 00:17:28,853
I'm not dead. I'm just sad.
483
00:17:28,928 --> 00:17:30,406
Linda, it's okay.
484
00:17:30,431 --> 00:17:33,974
It's... sorry, kids... just
a bunch of toilet paper rolls.
485
00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,670
Dad, come here.
486
00:17:35,747 --> 00:17:36,862
Mm-mm.
487
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:37,989
Okay, I'm gonna slap your leg.
488
00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:39,541
- Ow.
- Yeah.
489
00:17:39,566 --> 00:17:41,992
Lin, are you... are you
gonna get off the floor?
490
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:43,650
- No.
- Okay.
491
00:17:43,726 --> 00:17:46,013
I'm a bad mom. And I'm tired.
492
00:17:46,038 --> 00:17:47,683
And I think I pulled my boob muscle.
493
00:17:47,707 --> 00:17:48,822
And my butt itches.
494
00:17:48,847 --> 00:17:50,351
You're not a bad mom, Lin.
495
00:17:50,376 --> 00:17:52,095
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
496
00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:54,690
Kids, tell your mom
that she's a good mom.
497
00:17:54,714 --> 00:17:56,766
Yeah, maybe ask me later
when my life's work isn't
498
00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:58,832
laying shattered before my eyes.
499
00:17:58,857 --> 00:18:00,862
I love you, Mom, but I'm
still pressing charges.
500
00:18:00,887 --> 00:18:02,611
You're going away for a long time!
501
00:18:02,636 --> 00:18:03,916
I'm gonna miss you so damn much!
502
00:18:03,941 --> 00:18:05,223
Maybe Mom didn't do this.
503
00:18:05,248 --> 00:18:07,168
Maybe the worms were controlling her.
504
00:18:07,209 --> 00:18:08,728
God, what are my worms gonna make me do?
505
00:18:08,752 --> 00:18:10,372
- Get rid of your bangs?
- Oh, no.
506
00:18:10,396 --> 00:18:12,231
Okay, we're-we're
getting off topic here.
507
00:18:12,255 --> 00:18:14,291
Why don't we just all take the medicine
508
00:18:14,316 --> 00:18:16,366
and then go to the symphony?
509
00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:19,670
Even though I still think
that's a really terrible idea.
510
00:18:19,695 --> 00:18:20,895
Not-not the medicine.
511
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,179
The medicine we should've
done, like, right away.
512
00:18:23,204 --> 00:18:24,796
Not-not that you're a bad mom
513
00:18:24,821 --> 00:18:28,392
for chasing Louise like a
crazy person around the house
514
00:18:28,417 --> 00:18:31,210
instead of... taking the medi-medicine.
515
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,555
If... It doesn't matter.
516
00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:34,817
We're not gonna make it to the symphony.
517
00:18:34,842 --> 00:18:36,249
I failed you kids.
518
00:18:36,274 --> 00:18:38,289
If you grow up dumb, it's my fault.
519
00:18:38,314 --> 00:18:40,698
I mean, it's not like Dad
brought a ton to the table.
520
00:18:40,723 --> 00:18:41,647
A distinct odor?
521
00:18:41,672 --> 00:18:43,805
Okay, thank you.
522
00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:46,743
Lin, our kids are mean. To me right now.
523
00:18:46,768 --> 00:18:48,693
But they turned out pretty good.
524
00:18:48,718 --> 00:18:50,771
We're not saying they didn't
turn out pretty good, right?
525
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,016
They're still young.
It could go either way.
526
00:18:53,041 --> 00:18:55,438
Well, I just don't think
you should feel so bad.
527
00:18:55,463 --> 00:18:57,567
Look at this weird,
elaborate thing they made
528
00:18:57,592 --> 00:18:58,899
out of toilet paper rolls.
529
00:18:58,924 --> 00:19:01,231
It's a hamster slide.
We've said it, like, a thousand times.
530
00:19:01,256 --> 00:19:04,043
Shush. Normal, dumb, unstimulated kids
531
00:19:04,068 --> 00:19:06,494
wouldn't build something
like this, would they?
532
00:19:06,519 --> 00:19:08,080
We've got the brains and the looks.
533
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:09,665
- And the body.
- And the worms.
534
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:12,812
Not to mention, we're
wonderful. Just in general.
535
00:19:12,837 --> 00:19:15,621
You are wonderful.
The best three kids I know.
536
00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:17,325
Better than Hanson? Wow.
537
00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:19,421
Yeah. And we made them this way,
538
00:19:19,452 --> 00:19:22,619
parenting them really, eh, pretty well.
539
00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,477
And, yes, two out of three of 'em
540
00:19:24,502 --> 00:19:25,950
probably have pinworms right now,
541
00:19:25,975 --> 00:19:27,762
but so do we, probably.
542
00:19:27,786 --> 00:19:29,527
I mean, I know I do.
543
00:19:29,552 --> 00:19:32,324
'Cause look at the way
I'm clenching my butt.
544
00:19:32,349 --> 00:19:33,290
Yeah, I guess it was a pretty cool
545
00:19:33,315 --> 00:19:34,690
toilet paper thingy, huh?
546
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,168
- Hamster slide.
- That you crushed.
547
00:19:36,193 --> 00:19:38,473
Sorry. Ah, maybe something we're doing
548
00:19:38,497 --> 00:19:40,348
is working, I guess. Right?
549
00:19:40,373 --> 00:19:42,966
You know, it's almost
like the report cards
550
00:19:42,991 --> 00:19:45,687
are the idiots, huh? Yeah?
551
00:19:45,712 --> 00:19:47,170
Yeah. You're right.
552
00:19:47,195 --> 00:19:48,857
Just 'cause we don't do our homework
553
00:19:48,882 --> 00:19:51,453
or study for tests or pay
attention, that's our fault?
554
00:19:51,477 --> 00:19:53,914
Exactly what I used to say about me.
555
00:19:53,939 --> 00:19:56,865
Okay, now I'm starting to
worry we are bad parents.
556
00:19:56,890 --> 00:19:58,609
Shh, shh, shh, Dad, we're helping Mom.
557
00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:01,359
Aw, come here, guys. Family hug.
558
00:20:01,384 --> 00:20:02,512
Ew, no. You all have worms.
559
00:20:02,546 --> 00:20:03,965
- Don't touch me.
- Right, right, right.
560
00:20:03,989 --> 00:20:06,323
Okay, okay. Wormy Belchers, get in here.
561
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:10,205
Gotcha. I love yous.
562
00:20:10,237 --> 00:20:12,287
Oh, God, that's so nasty.
563
00:20:13,481 --> 00:20:15,895
Okay, down the hatch, everybody.
564
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,480
Oh, yeah, if you punks gave me worms,
565
00:20:18,504 --> 00:20:20,670
those worms are definitely
not gonna like this.
566
00:20:20,695 --> 00:20:23,299
Wait, this doesn't
kill kill them, does it?
567
00:20:23,324 --> 00:20:24,560
It's just a strong warning for them
568
00:20:24,584 --> 00:20:26,821
- to clean up their act, right?
- No, yeah, yeah.
569
00:20:26,846 --> 00:20:29,630
Hey, guys, guess what
we have in the basement.
570
00:20:29,655 --> 00:20:32,234
- A dark secret?
- No. Better.
571
00:20:32,259 --> 00:20:33,850
A bunch of cardboard.
572
00:20:33,875 --> 00:20:36,417
Maybe we can bring that up
and rebuild the hamster slide,
573
00:20:36,442 --> 00:20:38,159
bigger than ever?
574
00:20:38,184 --> 00:20:40,013
Ooh, and we could make
a hamster office park
575
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:42,350
next door to the slide, and
maybe the hamster's boss is
576
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,135
a fun-loving bottomless businessman
577
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,697
who works hard and plays harder.
578
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:46,824
We're gonna need more hamsters.
579
00:20:46,848 --> 00:20:48,676
We're not getting hamsters.
580
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:50,661
Uh, I'm gonna buy a marble,
and you guys are gonna be
581
00:20:50,685 --> 00:20:53,703
- really surprised at how fun it is.
- Ah.
582
00:20:53,728 --> 00:20:55,614
Marble would be a great
name for one of the hamsters.
583
00:20:55,639 --> 00:20:58,376
- Or Tiffany.
- I'm going to the symphony.
584
00:20:58,401 --> 00:20:59,354
- Bye.
- Bye.
585
00:20:59,378 --> 00:21:00,860
Bring back a hamster.
586
00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:03,277
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
587
00:21:03,302 --> 00:21:04,226
♪ Butt worms ♪
588
00:21:04,251 --> 00:21:05,467
♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
589
00:21:05,492 --> 00:21:07,487
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
590
00:21:07,624 --> 00:21:10,241
Oh, it's itchy.
591
00:21:10,266 --> 00:21:12,387
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
592
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,440
♪ Butt worms ♪
593
00:21:13,465 --> 00:21:14,840
♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
594
00:21:14,865 --> 00:21:18,512
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
595
00:21:19,588 --> 00:21:21,875
♪ Scratchin' and you're tushin',
a tushie and a scratchy ♪
596
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:24,340
♪ A wormy in your tushie, sent
your tushies in a-scratchin' ♪
597
00:21:24,385 --> 00:21:25,454
♪ Scratch-Scratch-Scratcha ♪
598
00:21:25,478 --> 00:21:26,811
♪ Itchy, itchy, itchy ♪
599
00:21:26,888 --> 00:21:29,217
Who invited you worms
into my butt, anyway?
600
00:21:29,241 --> 00:21:31,357
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪
601
00:21:31,382 --> 00:21:33,703
- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh. ♪