1
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♪ dramatic music playing ♪

2
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♪

3
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‐ Do you know why you're here?

4
00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:14,139
‐ It's probably 'cause Yumyulack
did something to get us in trouble,

5
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:15,599
as per "uush."

6
00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,143
‐ Oh, you mean something awesome
you tattle on me for?

7
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‐ I'm no snitch!

8
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‐ Then why are you getting stitches?

9
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[both arguing]

10
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‐ Oh my God, shut up!

11
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You both ruined the school year
with your weird science.

12
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‐ You trapped the chess team
in an alternative dimension,

13
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reanimated all the fetal pigs,
and we can't prove this,

14
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but we're reasonably confident that
you gave Miss Kim a three‐month period

15
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after she took away your glowing orb.

16
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‐ Snitch!
‐ Not today!

17
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:39,998
‐ Die! Die! Die!
‐ No, you don't. No, you don't.

18
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‐ Yumyulack, out of 180 days
of school this year,

19
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you've been late 179 times.

20
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‐ And Jesse, you've been late three times.

21
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‐ I'm a monster!
‐ It's true, she is.

22
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‐ If either of you are ever late
or miss class ever again,

23
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then you will be expelled.

24
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Which means you'll have
to go to military school,

25
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where the bullies will fuck you.

26
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‐ And they make you shave your head.

27
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‐ But my hair defines me.

28
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‐ Then don't fuck up!

29
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[door closes]
‐ Oh, it's so hot
when you yell at children.

30
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I dump a Dixie cup worth
of fuck juice in my pants

31
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every time you put something
on their permanent record.

32
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Oh, that shit follows them to college.

33
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‐ Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz.

34
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‐ Oh, what the fu‐‐!

35
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KORVO:
Terry, a‐a little help.

36
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[Terry sighs]
Really,

37
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you're too lazy to even look at me?

38
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‐ Ohh, I'm limiting myself
to three neck movements a day.

39
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I only got one left.

40
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‐ We need to re‐facet the dorsal prism,

41
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the lavatic reactor needs more Aa,

42
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and you paired your phone
to the ship stereo

43
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and I don't know how to get it off.

44
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If I have to listen to the "Gone
in 60 Seconds" soundtrack one more time‐‐

45
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‐ Oh man, you know I'm too dumb to help.

46
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‐ Just zap yourself with the smart ray.

47
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It takes one second.

48
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‐ Hard pass. Smart people are sad.

49
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Wait. Wh‐what are you doing?

50
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‐ Terry, get back here.
Let me shoot you with the smart ray.

51
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[electricity zaps]

52
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‐ Ha ha!
‐ Terry!

53
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‐ I didn't know it would break that easy.

54
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‐ Hey, can you please trap Jesse
in the hell dimension? She sucks ass.

55
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‐ No. That dimension is for work enemies
and Ansel Elgort only.

56
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And for trash when we forget
to put the bin out.

57
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‐ Yumyulack got us in trouble again.

58
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And they for sure figured out
that shit with the orb.

59
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‐ Can I just quit school?
What does it matter anyway?

60
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The Pupa is gonna evolve into
its true form and destroy this planet.

61
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Can't I just watch TV until that happens?

62
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‐ Pepsi.
‐ L‐look, this thing is unpredictable.

63
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It could go off in a week or in a year.

64
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It just said "Pepsi."
Who knows what's going on with it.

65
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‐ Goddammit, Terry, you're supposed
to know. You're the Pupa specialist.

66
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‐ Whatever.
‐ All right, you two, listen,

67
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school is important
and it makes you smart,

68
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and being smart is more important
than anything else ever.

69
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‐ Counterpoint: Korvo's stupid.

70
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School is important 'cause it's super‐fun

71
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and the stakes are super‐low

72
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and there's tons of hot people there
who want to party‐slash‐do finger stuff.

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‐ Wait, Terry, you like school?

74
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‐ Heck yeah, dum‐dums, school rules!

75
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‐ Really? You know,
we could go to school too.

76
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‐ Ah, I wish.

77
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‐ There is a school for adults
behind the cement factory, Terry.

78
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‐ There is?
‐ Yes, we could go there.

79
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We could get smart
and compete for the teacher's approval.

80
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‐ Or we could meet cool girls,
join a frat,

81
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and never work on the ship.

82
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‐ Or you could learn responsibility,
become a better person,

83
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and help me with the ship.

84
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‐ Terry and Korvo, going to school
for the exact same reasons.

85
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

86
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Until the asteroid hit.

87
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

88
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and escaped into, uh, the space,

89
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

90
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We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.

91
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That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.

92
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.

93
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This is‐‐ this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

94
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[stammers]
This is ridiculous.

95
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I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.

96
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People are stupid.

97
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The second you point out
Christ was an alien,

98
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they get all wound up
and start yelling at you,

99
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even though he did a bunch of alien stuff.

100
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Get with it. It's‐‐ it's no big duh.

101
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♪

102
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‐ Hey, do I look cool?
I think I look cool.

103
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First day of school, baby. Whoo!
‐ Terry, stop acting like a spaz

104
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and just be cool like me.

105
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‐ Spooky robes are not cool.

106
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‐ You're just jealous of my swish.

107
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[robe swishing]

108
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‐ [quietly]
God, that's so fucking cool.

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‐ This is gonna be good for you, Terry.

110
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Maybe this will stop you
from being lazy all the time.

111
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‐ You know, I'm not gonna
even respond to that

112
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because I'm too lazy
to think of a response.

113
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‐ Then why in God's name are you
so excited to be at the school?

114
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‐ Because I love classic college movies,

115
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like "Monsters University,"
"PCU," and "The Skulls."

116
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My plan is to do cool movie stuff
and then just cheat off you

117
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at the end of the semester.

118
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‐ You know, you need to learn to not take
shortcuts all the time, Terry.

119
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How's that for me teeing up
an episode arc for your character?

120
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‐ You're the one who wanted me
to zap myself with the smart gun.

121
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‐ Now that's an example of an appropriate
use of corner cutting, and I'll te‐‐

122
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‐ No, I won the argument.
Better hurry or you're gonna be late.

123
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And then you'll have
to take a shortcut to class,

124
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and I know how much you hate those.
[school bell ringing]

125
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I like my notes in blue ink!

126
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‐ Make way for my peep, beggar!

127
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‐ Not so fast!
[grunts]

128
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Get his bag.
SONNY: What the hell?

129
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‐ Well, this is interesting.
‐ That belongs to The Duke.

130
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‐ Not anymore.
‐ You're dead! You're all dead!

131
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‐ Like my son, you tiny bastard!

132
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‐ No! We don't kill.
[Sonny gagging]

133
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That's what separates us
from the people that do kill.

134
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We don't‐‐ We do the opposite
of what they do.

135
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In terms of killing, we don't.

136
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Got it?
[grunts]

137
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JESSE: [voice echoing] Hello!

138
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Fellow students, teachers, anyone?

139
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‐ Today's been a great day.

140
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No one's called me a "gay‐lien,"

141
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and I didn't have to hide in the bathroom
and pretend to have a butthole.

142
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‐ Yeah, because nobody's here.
‐ Wait, what?

143
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Oh my God. I didn't even notice.
What the hell?

144
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‐ I think we're being tested.

145
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,822
Principal Cooke is trying to see
if we'll be late or go to class

146
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,532
even when nobody's watching us.

147
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‐ This must be what summer school is.

148
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An intense psychological mind game,

149
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not unlike the Academy award‐winning film
"Suicide Squad."

150
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So don't get in my way!

151
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‐ You don't get in my way, buster.

152
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:36,545
‐ This is about to be
the most epic challenge of our lives.

153
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,005
I don't want you messing me up.

154
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[ringing]

155
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:44,011
♪ ominous music playing ♪

156
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[school bell rings]

157
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‐ [crunching]
‐ [slurping]

158
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[school bell rings]

159
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[shoes squeaking]

160
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‐ His name was Charles Paulson Ginsburg,

161
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:05,449
but you may know him as the father
of the video cassette recorder.

162
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,910
I know him as the father of me.

163
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,119
[laughs]

164
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:12,122
‐ Kegger at my place tonight.
Real college experience.

165
00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:14,374
Beers and shots and we might
even steal a police horse.

166
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,584
‐ I'd have to get a baby‐sitter.

167
00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:18,587
‐ Well, bring them kids, girl.
We don't ID at Casa de Terry's.

168
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:19,338
‐ Terry, shut up.

169
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:22,049
‐ Delores, you gonna come
and get tore up at my party?

170
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:25,344
‐ I have to go home and watch "NCIS."

171
00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:26,512
‐This sucks.

172
00:06:26,512 --> 00:06:29,723
No one's appreciated or even mentioned
that I'm dressed exactly like Van Wilder,

173
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you know, the mentor of Taj.
‐ Will you please pay attention?

174
00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,144
‐ That's your job. Mine is to be awesome.

175
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,854
‐ I just missed what the C in VCR means.

176
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,689
It could mean anything.
‐ Man, this is bullshit.

177
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,525
College is supposed to be
about partying all night

178
00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,485
and getting into legal trouble
but my dad's a lawyer,

179
00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:43,403
so I'm walking away scot‐free.

180
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,113
Guess I have to step up my game.

181
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,951
Ohh! Hey, hey, whoa, look out!

182
00:06:48,951 --> 00:06:49,952
Hey, I'm the Frisbee guy.

183
00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,954
‐ Now let's say I have
to repair a DVD player.

184
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:53,247
Is that the same as the VCR?

185
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:55,707
‐ Ohh, I wish I knew it.

186
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,335
‐ Terry, stop it. Nobody likes Frisbee.
You look like an idiot.

187
00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,671
‐ Hey, does the Frisbee match the drapes?

188
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,589
‐ I don't know, do you have
the balls to find out?

189
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,967
♪ hard rock music playing ♪

190
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,135
♪

191
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,054
♪

192
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,306
‐ Thank God we got the mattress
with the fabric‐encased coils.

193
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,308
Otherwise, I'd be bouncing
all over the place.

194
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,813
Class is starting soon, Terry.
Were you out all night partying again?

195
00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:20,274
‐ Oh yeah, I was out all night
looking for a party.

196
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:22,317
Rumor had it the swim team
was raging at The Rock

197
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:23,944
but it was just two homeless guys dancing.

198
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:27,030
‐ Ugh. So Jesse, Yumyulack,
how's school going for you two?

199
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:29,741
‐ I'm in the middle of this
complicated psychological test

200
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:32,411
not unlike the Academy award‐wining film
"Suicide Squad."

201
00:07:32,411 --> 00:07:35,289
‐ Yeah. And none of the teachers are there
to tell us what to do.

202
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,957
‐ I'm sure that's all part of the test.

203
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,917
Probably just trying to get you
to think outside the box.

204
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,752
‐ Oh, oh, oh, I don't mean
to live más right now

205
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,254
but instead of thinking outside the box,

206
00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:43,589
maybe they should be thinking
outside the‐‐

207
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:48,760
‐ Saying this goes against every fiber
of my brotherness,

208
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,095
but you know what we have to do.

209
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:50,846
‐ Knife fight!

210
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:52,973
‐ No, we can't hate each other
like siblings.

211
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,350
We have to hate each other academically.

212
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,644
We have to be each other's teachers.

213
00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,397
‐ Well, then look to your left
and look to your right, motherfucker,

214
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,816
'cause I'm about to matriculate your ass.

215
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:06,069
‐ Do you realize what this is?
This has The Duke's whole empire.

216
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,906
Food caches, secret passages, and ugh,

217
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,533
he has his own personal '50s diner
called Bop Bops.

218
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,244
‐ We can empty the stockpile
and redistribute to the rest of the wall.

219
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,829
‐ And nobody will know it was us.

220
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,122
It's the perfect crime.

221
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,790
‐ Just like in "Ocean's Thirteen."

222
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,001
‐ It's Elliott Gould's best work
since the '70s.

223
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:24,296
‐ Guys, he was also great on "Friends."

224
00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:26,089
[school bell rings]

225
00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:28,133
‐ Everyone, sit down and shut up,

226
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:31,637
or I swear to God I'll have you
back on the streets before lunch.

227
00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,889
I am gonna get real with you.

228
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:37,935
I bet you didn't know
Shakespeare was the original rapper.

229
00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,770
‐ Oh, did Shakespeare live
on Sedgwick Avenue

230
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,648
with DJ Kool Herc in the Bronx
five years before the Son of Sam?

231
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:45,400
‐ Yeah, sure, that's why
Shakespeare's writing is like rap.

232
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,694
Plus he made a bunch of money
and sampled other playwrights

233
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:48,695
without giving them any credit.

234
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:49,988
‐ This makes me like Shakespeare.

235
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,114
‐ Of course it does.

236
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:55,077
‐ My tough‐yet‐relatable teaching style
is breaking through your emotional armor.

237
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,119
‐ And how.

238
00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:02,000
♪ drumline music playing ♪

239
00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,504
‐ Aah!
[crashing]

240
00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:08,215
‐ Terry, I'm trying to study,
which is what you should be doing.

241
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,425
‐ I am. I'm studying
how to get into a drumline,

242
00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,468
like in that movie "Whiplash."

243
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,554
‐ Do you have any idea what happens
if you fail out of school, Terry?

244
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,889
‐ I assume it's some type
of spanking situation.

245
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,766
‐ No, I thought school would give you
some discipline.

246
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,142
Instead, you've left me no other choice.

247
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,811
‐ If you fail, no more TV,

248
00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:23,063
no more video games, and no more Hulu,

249
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,481
the subscription‐based service.

250
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,149
‐ But Netflix doesn't have
the Hulu production

251
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,735
of the Hulu presentation
of "The Looming Tower."

252
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,363
How do I know what happens
about "The Looming Tower," Korvo.

253
00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:32,447
‐ That's the only way you'll learn.

254
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,741
‐ Can't you just make me glasses that
allow me to see through people's bodies

255
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:35,742
so I can cheat off of them.

256
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,619
‐ Obviously yes,
but not in time for the test.

257
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,913
Wait, no, I‐I'm not helping you
cut corners anymore.

258
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,541
You have to do this on your own.
That's that arc popping its head up again.

259
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:44,626
‐ Argh! Okay. Fine.

260
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,420
I'll go get my books.

261
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:49,131
Dammit, I can't even shoot myself
with the smart ray.

262
00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:50,299
What am I gonna do?

263
00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:52,217
Pupa, you know you can't play
with the dumb ray.

264
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:55,971
If you shoot anyone,
they'll become... super dumb and fun.

265
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:57,347
Like me.

266
00:09:57,973 --> 00:10:00,267
‐ Hah! This human math
is honestly very easy.

267
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,436
They haven't even found the number
that comes before zero.

268
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:04,521
What are you doing with the dumb ray?
‐ I'm holding it.

269
00:10:05,022 --> 00:10:06,148
Get dumb, motherfucker.

270
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,567
‐ Terry, we're only supposed
to use that in emergencies,

271
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:09,610
when we're overthinking things.

272
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:10,736
‐ That's what's happening right now.

273
00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:13,113
‐ Please don't make me dumb. None of
my podcasts are gonna make any sense.

274
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,990
‐ If you're dumb and I'm dumb,
then we can be dumb together.

275
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:16,200
‐ But that plan is dumb.

276
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,576
[grunts]
Ow!

277
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:20,412
‐ Oh my gosh, Korvo. Are you okay?

278
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,166
[zapping]

279
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:30,088
[Korvo moaning]
Hey, bud, how you feeling?

280
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,215
Are you dumb now?

281
00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:32,841
‐ I wanna watch
the "Look Who's Talking" trilogy

282
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,134
and eat hot dogs with ketchup.

283
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,677
‐ Yeah! Dab it!

284
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:39,181
♪

285
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,099
‐ I love getting beer in my body
as fast as I can.

286
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:42,184
‐ Preaching to the choir, bro.

287
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,977
‐ Do you wanna buy everything
on the McDonald's menu

288
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,521
and smoosh it together into a big ball

289
00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,105
and then eat it with a knife
and fork with me?

290
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,733
‐ Yes, a million times, yes.

291
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:52,277
‐ 2Pac is like oxygen

292
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,820
because we need him to live,

293
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,781
while Sisqo is more like plutonium

294
00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:57,908
because he was kinda just
a one‐hit wonder

295
00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:58,992
that we've forgotten about.

296
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,663
‐ Wow, I never realized that
every school subject is basically rap.

297
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:05,374
‐ That's the most rap thing
you've said all day.

298
00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:06,291
A plus.
[school bell rings]

299
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,961
Oh crap. We're running out of time.
It's my turn. Teach me now.

300
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:10,712
‐ Well, welcome to English 101.

301
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,381
Everyone, pick up your textbook.

302
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:14,174
Now throw it out!

303
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,218
We won't be needing it.
I teach from the heart.

304
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,012
[Jesse grunts]
Wait. Actually, go grab it from the trash.

305
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,557
Yeah, we're gonna rely heavily
on the text.

306
00:11:22,641 --> 00:11:24,476
Now throw it out!
‐ Oh, come on!

307
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:25,727
KORVO:
Rager at our place.

308
00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:29,189
Party starts at triple question marks
and goes till 2:00 a. m.

309
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,399
‐ We have a hard out.

310
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,985
♪

311
00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:34,528
[scratching]

312
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:40,784
[grunting]

313
00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:48,750
[grunting and panting]

314
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,252
‐ Grab onto here. Hold here.

315
00:11:50,252 --> 00:11:51,712
Spider! Nobody move.

316
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,046
[growling]

317
00:11:56,842 --> 00:11:58,093
Fuck you, spider.

318
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,390
♪ hip‐hop music playing ♪

319
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,726
‐ Ugh, why did we start the party
at triple question mark?

320
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,060
People have been rolling in all day.

321
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,645
‐ Who wants to see me smash this bottle.

322
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,688
‐ [all cheering]
‐ [bottle shatters]

323
00:12:09,688 --> 00:12:10,480
‐ Yeah!

324
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:13,817
‐ Touch my robes.
Someone touch my fucking robes.

325
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,695
‐ Okay, I got a 95, you got a 33.

326
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,781
Ah, we passed, and we were
at school every single day.

327
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,242
‐ Yeah, we did it!
‐ Yay!

328
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,788
I said we were here every day!

329
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,833
‐ Hey, we did it.
You can come out now.

330
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,001
What are you waiting for?

331
00:12:32,211 --> 00:12:34,588
Huh. You'd think they'd be raring
to get out here.

332
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:37,341
‐ Unless nobody's been watching us

333
00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:39,551
and when they said we couldn't miss
a day of school,

334
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,595
they meant when everyone else
was here too.

335
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:44,014
‐ So we got along this whole time
for no reason?

336
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,099
‐ I guess so. So, now what?

337
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,601
‐ You wanna trash the school
with sci‐fi stuff?

338
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,477
‐ Fuck yeah.

339
00:12:48,477 --> 00:12:50,229
[laughing]
‐ Hey, watch out!

340
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:53,273
♪ hard rock music playing ♪

341
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,192
♪

342
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:56,652
YUMYULACK: Ooh, yeah. Whoo!
JESSE: Yeah!

343
00:12:58,362 --> 00:12:59,238
[laughs]

344
00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:02,824
‐ All right, one of us has
to attach this to the door

345
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,326
and get away before it detonates.

346
00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:06,912
I've been practicing avoiding explosions
in my free time,

347
00:13:06,912 --> 00:13:08,288
so I think I can pull it off.
‐ No.

348
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,999
In the before‐fore, I was
a 7‐Eleven employee.

349
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,084
A really bad one.

350
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:15,420
I was mean to everyone, and I used
to piss in the Slurpee machine.

351
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,715
But things are different in here.
In here, I can die a hero.

352
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:19,675
‐ Bryson, I just told you.

353
00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,635
Nobody has to die,
because I think I can jump away

354
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,929
well before the explosion‐‐
‐ Blaze of glory!

355
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:24,805
TIM: Oh shit.

356
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:26,598
Run! Run, Bryson!
CHERIE: Bryson, run!

357
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,100
‐ No! There's no time.
[beeping]

358
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:31,103
Oh, okay. Actually, there may‐‐

359
00:13:31,103 --> 00:13:32,104
Aah!
‐ Bryson!

360
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,900
‐ Holy shit!

361
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,610
‐ Ah. I'm alive.

362
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:39,736
But I'm blind.

363
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,405
‐ You should have run.
Why didn't you run?

364
00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:44,283
‐ Oh no, my dick got blown off.

365
00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:46,660
I'm blind and I have no dick.

366
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:48,912
Oh.
‐ Uh‐‐

367
00:13:48,912 --> 00:13:50,831
‐ Please, just leave.

368
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:54,042
I'm blind and I have no dick.

369
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:56,420
Hey, I found it.

370
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:59,631
It was there all along.
Just lower than I thought.

371
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,593
‐ Check this out, Terry. Watch.

372
00:14:02,593 --> 00:14:03,886
‐ Wait, wait, wait.
Don't you always tell me

373
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,596
that pressing buttons on the ship
can be dangerous?

374
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:07,472
‐ Don't be a little beeyatch.

375
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,559
[screaming]

376
00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:15,189
See, it's fine.
‐ Man, I love dumb Korvo.

377
00:14:15,189 --> 00:14:17,107
‐ Dude, Korvo, get over here
and snort this with us.

378
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:19,902
‐ Oink‐oink, mother‐fuckah!

379
00:14:24,198 --> 00:14:26,575
[electricity crackling]

380
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:31,663
‐ [screams]
Ice lava.

381
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:32,998
It's freezing.

382
00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:34,833
Oh my God and then it burns.

383
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,339
[people screaming]

384
00:14:43,175 --> 00:14:44,551
JESSE: Ha ha, stop.
[laser beams firing]

385
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,845
Don't laser me. That tickles.

386
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:48,472
‐ Oh, I got you now.
[both scream]

387
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,685
‐ Did we make ice lava?
‐ I don't know. Maybe.

388
00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:55,354
‐ Ohh!
‐ You're it.

389
00:14:55,354 --> 00:14:56,939
‐ No fair. I was distracted.

390
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:58,607
[both laughing]

391
00:14:58,607 --> 00:14:59,608
‐ Korvo, what do we do?

392
00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:02,027
The hot cold lava that powers the ship
is getting on everyone.

393
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,737
‐ Don't worry, I know what to do.

394
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:04,821
[grunts]

395
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:06,615
I'm boning an alien, bro.

396
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:07,866
‐ Stop being dumb.

397
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,368
You're the only one
who knows about ice lava.

398
00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:10,536
‐ Terry, I know how to fix it.

399
00:15:10,536 --> 00:15:13,205
We just kick back
and watch some movie trilogies.

400
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,957
Th‐this whole thing
will sort itself out on its own.

401
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,750
‐ We don't have time for even one trilogy.

402
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,126
Ugh. Who would have thought
cutting corners

403
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,503
and making you dumb
would blow up like this.

404
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:22,005
‐ Maybe the second "Matrix" movie
will help. They're better out of order.

405
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,549
‐ Maybe if I can learn
how to fix the smart gun,

406
00:15:23,549 --> 00:15:25,300
I can zap you back
into fixing the ship.

407
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,803
[loudly]
Stay here. I will make you smart again.

408
00:15:27,803 --> 00:15:30,013
‐ Hey, just 'cause I'm dumb
doesn't mean that I'm deaf.

409
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,058
‐ Come on. Come on.

410
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,894
Ah, yes. Hey, the manual isn't too big.

411
00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:37,104
Aah! Ah, crap.

412
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,106
Okay, Terry, you can do this.

413
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,191
Focus. Learn. Be smart.

414
00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,944
KORVO: Damn, Morpheus, how'd you get
those motherfucking sunglasses

415
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:44,820
to stick to your face?

416
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:47,114
‐ Ooh, I gotta see that. No! No!

417
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:47,948
Focus.

418
00:15:49,575 --> 00:15:51,785
Ooh!
Once you know how to reroute the lava‐‐

419
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:54,454
‐ Check it out, Terry,
I'm a fucking Morpheus now.

420
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,539
Watch out.

421
00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:58,333
I think we should invest in a racehorse
because I want to go to Kentucky

422
00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,251
and wear a big old hat,

423
00:15:59,251 --> 00:16:01,044
and also I've got a great name
for a racehorse.

424
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:02,838
Get ready. Horseus.

425
00:16:02,838 --> 00:16:03,964
From the thing
we were just talking about‐‐

426
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,090
‐ Will you shut the hell up?

427
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,884
I'm never gonna learn
how to repair the smart gun.

428
00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,844
I'm only one chapter past
the lavatic reactor.

429
00:16:08,844 --> 00:16:10,637
[gasps]
Oh, holy crapsters.

430
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,473
I accidentally learned how to repair
the lavatic reactor.

431
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,978
I just want you to know
if I don't make it out of this,

432
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:21,064
it has been the great honor of my life
to come to Earth with you.

433
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,566
Korvo, I love you‐‐

434
00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:24,985
‐ I'm gonna go hit a bullet
with a hammer, Terry. U‐S‐A!

435
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,737
U‐S‐A! U‐S‐A!

436
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:29,114
♪ dramatic music playing ♪

437
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:31,867
♪

438
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:48,509
♪

439
00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:53,222
‐ Holy shit. I think I fixed it.

440
00:16:53,222 --> 00:16:55,766
I actually did something
without taking a shortcut.

441
00:16:55,766 --> 00:16:57,017
W‐w‐what are you doing?

442
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,435
‐ Hey, whoa, whoa, I thought
you were sending signals.

443
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:00,729
‐ What? No. Man, when does
the dumb ray wear off?

444
00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:02,689
‐ I want White Castle.
‐ Is this what I sound like all the time?

445
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,525
‐ Whoa, Terry, let's watch
all the "Resident Evils."

446
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:05,442
‐ Yeah, that's me.

447
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,361
[both moaning]
‐ Oh yes.

448
00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:09,196
‐ God, I love the last week
of summer break.

449
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,490
This place is so nice
when the kids are gone.

450
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,951
‐ After this, let's do reverse cowgirl
in the theater.

451
00:17:13,951 --> 00:17:15,494
Then we're ass‐eating in the chem lab.

452
00:17:15,494 --> 00:17:17,162
‐ But I'm wearing open‐toed sandals.

453
00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:18,163
‐ [both laughing]
‐ [Ms. Frankie yelps]

454
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,581
‐ Whoo!
‐ What the fuck are you doing here?

455
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:21,959
[both wailing]

456
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,170
Oh no!
‐ We did what you said.

457
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:28,340
We've been in our chairs
every day at 7 a. m.

458
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:29,967
‐ How long have you been here on your own?

459
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:32,344
‐ We're good students. We did‐‐
‐ We were never late. We were on time.

460
00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:33,846
‐ Mercy. Show us mercy.

461
00:17:33,846 --> 00:17:35,138
‐ Go wait outside.

462
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,725
‐ What the fuck is wrong with those two?

463
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,102
I don't care if they like each other.

464
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,104
We didn't tell them to come in all summer!

465
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,605
This is clearly abuse.

466
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:45,983
Maybe no one will believe them.
It's their word against ours.

467
00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:47,651
‐ They found us humping in the lunch room.

468
00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:49,486
I was about to stick
my tongue up your ass.

469
00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:50,779
‐ Oh, Jesus.

470
00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,531
I guess we have to do the right thing.

471
00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:53,490
[groans]

472
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:56,118
‐ Okay, what will it take for you
to keep your mouth shut?

473
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:56,827
A thousand dollars?

474
00:17:56,827 --> 00:17:58,245
‐ We want A's, bitches.
‐ We want A's.

475
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,330
‐ That's it? In what?
‐ In everything.

476
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:03,500
‐ So we give you the A's and we forget
that this whole thing ever happened.

477
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,711
Finger in the ass, the neglect,
the eating of a‐‐

478
00:18:05,711 --> 00:18:07,171
‐ Congrats. You're both
on the honor rolls.

479
00:18:07,171 --> 00:18:08,046
‐ Woo‐hoo!
‐ Yeah!

480
00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:09,214
YUMYULACK: Honor roll, dude!
JESSE: Woo‐hoo!

481
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:10,340
[cheering continues]

482
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:11,592
‐ We've been bad.

483
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,552
[both moaning]

484
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,099
[machine powers up]

485
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,101
[babies cooing, babbling]

486
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:23,270
‐ Man, gathering up
the ashes of my victims

487
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,857
and reconstituting them into babies is
way more work than I thought it would be.

488
00:18:26,857 --> 00:18:29,067
But, hey, they get a second chance
at life, so that's cool.

489
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:29,985
What's up with you dorks?

490
00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:32,070
‐ We caught the teachers
eating each other's asses,

491
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:33,906
so they gave us A's in all our classes.

492
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:35,240
‐ And we're best friends again.

493
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,992
And we're out of Frosted Flakes.

494
00:18:36,992 --> 00:18:37,993
‐ I'll pick some up tomorrow.

495
00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:40,662
Hey, uh, don't open the bathroom door
because I locked Korvo in there

496
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,455
until he gets smart again.

497
00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:43,081
KORVO: Let me out of here!
There's an alien in here!

498
00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:44,499
Oh, wait, that's‐‐
it's just me in the mirror.

499
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:46,376
‐ Wow, he sounds really stupid.

500
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:48,587
‐ Yeah, I shot him with the dumb gun
like 10 times.

501
00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:50,714
‐ Oh geez, that will take forever
to wear off.

502
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:51,965
Feel better, Korvo.

503
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,384
Don't sleep face down
or you might suffocate.

504
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:57,429
KORVO: Let me out. Gal Gadot is a witch
that was put into American society

505
00:18:57,429 --> 00:18:59,473
to make us all forget
about the 2008 recession.

506
00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,058
‐ Okay, buddy, very cool.

507
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:03,227
KORVO: Let me out right now!
I‐I‐I've got a hostage in here.

508
00:19:03,227 --> 00:19:04,311
[high‐pitched voice]
Help me, let me out.

509
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,897
[normal voice] Don't worry, it's a joke.
I'm doing both voices. Play along.

510
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:08,607
[British accent]
'Ello, what are you two doing in here?

511
00:19:08,607 --> 00:19:09,858
[normal voice]
Shh, hey, be quiet.

512
00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:13,529
♪ ominous music playing ♪

513
00:19:13,529 --> 00:19:15,656
‐ It's empty. No, this is all wrong.

514
00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:16,573
‐ Come on, we have to get out of here.

515
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:18,450
[clapping]

516
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,327
‐ You stupid fucks.

517
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:23,080
‐ What are you gonna do, Duke,
take us all on? You're outnumbered.

518
00:19:24,915 --> 00:19:26,124
‐ You see, Tim, my boy,

519
00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:28,085
this was the trap.

520
00:19:28,085 --> 00:19:30,254
Enrique and I set up the whole thing.

521
00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:32,464
The map, the Peep, everything.

522
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:34,842
‐ Enrique, why?
‐ You killed my son.

523
00:19:34,842 --> 00:19:38,428
The Duke might have pulled the trigger,
but you dragged him into this whole thing.

524
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:39,930
‐ See, I'm a man of rules.

525
00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:42,850
It's rules that keep everyone alive
in the wall.

526
00:19:42,850 --> 00:19:45,269
But when someone breaks said rules,

527
00:19:45,269 --> 00:19:46,270
you need a punishment.

528
00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:49,147
I found the perfect form of punishment.

529
00:19:49,147 --> 00:19:50,190
The Boo Hoo Hole.

530
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:52,818
Tim, you ever heard
of the Boo Hoo Hole.

531
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:55,070
[screams]

532
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,031
‐ Noooo!

533
00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,534
‐ I have different plans for you, Tim.

534
00:20:04,121 --> 00:20:07,875
These genius aliens are a billion times
smarter than any man.

535
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,919
They are truly worthy adversaries.

536
00:20:11,336 --> 00:20:12,171
[door opens]

537
00:20:12,171 --> 00:20:14,882
‐ Thank you for letting me out.
I'm feeling much smarter.

538
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:15,924
I'm smart now. Thank you.

539
00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:18,302
‐ Okay, we're all trusting you
to be smart.

540
00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:20,095
And we all learned a lesson today,

541
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,222
so let's all buckle down
and be smart together

542
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,223
and help repair the ship.

543
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,100
‐ What've you got there?
Are those hyperdrive plans?

544
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,519
‐ Oh, Jesse, nice try.
We don't even have a hyperdrive.

545
00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:30,189
No, no, no, this is
my 700‐page screenplay for "Ted 3."

546
00:20:30,189 --> 00:20:31,982
You all have to give me notes.
‐ Oh, fuck, he's still dumb.

547
00:20:31,982 --> 00:20:33,775
‐ It's called "T3D."
It's not in 3D though.

548
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,819
Ted and Wahlberg go on a treasure hunt
and meet a witch.

549
00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:37,571
I copyrighted this with WGA‐North.

550
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:39,489
It takes place in the Harry Potter world
in the future,

551
00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:40,574
where every city is Boston.

552
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:41,909
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are president.

553
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,285
Papa John's has cool pizza.

554
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:44,870
I'm gonna be a professional poker player.

555
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,289
Let me out of the ropy bag.
Free me from the ropy bag.

556
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,750
‐ It's nice to do stuff as a family.

557
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:54,004
♪ theme music playing ♪

558
00:20:54,004 --> 00:20:58,091
♪

559
00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:36,088
[imitating laser fire]