1 00:00:09,107 --> 00:00:12,021 Hey. Do you have anything that screams "This guy watches golf"? 2 00:00:12,045 --> 00:00:12,740 Oh yeah. 3 00:00:12,923 --> 00:00:15,650 This is from Samuel by Sam Jackson for Kangol. 4 00:00:15,674 --> 00:00:17,068 It's the exact model he wore 5 00:00:17,092 --> 00:00:18,569 to the premiere of his Capital One commercial. 6 00:00:18,593 --> 00:00:20,740 Mmm. I love it how you can wear it one way 7 00:00:20,764 --> 00:00:23,741 and look like a newsboy and another way and look like a bad boy. 8 00:00:23,765 --> 00:00:25,493 - We patented that. - Could we hurry this up? 9 00:00:25,517 --> 00:00:27,745 Apparently this mall has some sort of gap full of babies 10 00:00:27,769 --> 00:00:29,247 and a locker full of lady's feet. 11 00:00:29,271 --> 00:00:30,208 I wanna see that stuff. 12 00:00:30,232 --> 00:00:33,110 Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs. 13 00:00:34,818 --> 00:00:35,858 Oh! 14 00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,089 Red Goobler got a gun! 15 00:00:38,113 --> 00:00:40,469 - What the hell, Korvo? You mangled my Kangol! 16 00:00:40,493 --> 00:00:41,509 Red Goobler? 17 00:00:41,533 --> 00:00:42,760 Wait a hot fuckin' second, 18 00:00:42,784 --> 00:00:44,679 I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year? 19 00:00:44,703 --> 00:00:46,222 After he hunted us in the Halloween store? 20 00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:48,766 R-remember that whole thing? - Yeah, I lied about killing him. 21 00:00:48,790 --> 00:00:50,101 He got away, and I kinda just thought 22 00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:52,603 maybe he'd disappear like that eye that used to be on my back. 23 00:00:52,627 --> 00:00:54,272 - Damn it, Terry! That eye is still there! 24 00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:55,481 And so is the Red Goobler! 25 00:00:55,505 --> 00:00:56,900 Wait, what the fuck, why is he so big? 26 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,070 Last time we saw him, he was about the size of a softball. 27 00:00:59,094 --> 00:01:00,238 Or like a fat baseball. 28 00:01:00,262 --> 00:01:02,738 I don't know, Terry, he probably grows when I'm stressed out. 29 00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:04,827 Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes. 30 00:01:04,851 --> 00:01:06,718 Well, sorry for trying to be consistent. 31 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,750 Wait, wait, wait, wait! I'm not trying to kill you anymore, I swear! 32 00:01:12,774 --> 00:01:15,042 Oh please, then what's with that sweet-ass laser gun? 33 00:01:15,066 --> 00:01:16,752 It's just a barcode scanner. 34 00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:18,786 I'm registering for my wedding. 35 00:01:20,405 --> 00:01:22,550 - This trash isn't getting married. Quick, Korvo, murder him! 36 00:01:22,574 --> 00:01:23,761 Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him, shoot him... 37 00:01:23,785 --> 00:01:26,429 - Gooby, what's going on? - This is my nightmare. 38 00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:28,222 Jen, meet Terry and Korvo. 39 00:01:28,246 --> 00:01:30,770 So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me from his stress, 40 00:01:30,794 --> 00:01:33,769 and I used to yell "get fucked" and try to kill him. 41 00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:36,147 I was a terrible, unhappy person 42 00:01:36,171 --> 00:01:37,690 and, Korvo, I'm so sorry. 43 00:01:37,714 --> 00:01:40,111 You can shoot your apology in the butt and bury it at sea. 44 00:01:40,135 --> 00:01:42,111 You're right, I don't deserve forgiveness. 45 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:44,906 I live with the guilt of how I treated you every day. 46 00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:46,407 You aren't that guy anymore, Red. 47 00:01:46,431 --> 00:01:48,492 If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen. 48 00:01:48,516 --> 00:01:50,453 Jen pulled me out of a dark place. 49 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:52,874 Now all I want to do is marry this perfect woman, 50 00:01:52,898 --> 00:01:55,082 wake up every day and make her bread 51 00:01:55,106 --> 00:01:57,843 with this Breville Custom Loaf Bread Maker. 52 00:01:58,902 --> 00:02:02,840 Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim at me with a laser gun. 53 00:02:02,864 --> 00:02:05,343 - Totally my fault. Thanks for understanding. 54 00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,391 Hey, I've been dreading this for a while, 55 00:02:07,415 --> 00:02:09,347 but it was honestly nice running into you. 56 00:02:09,371 --> 00:02:10,871 - You too. - Stay cool, brother. 57 00:02:12,624 --> 00:02:14,685 I didn't buy any of that for a second. Did you? 58 00:02:14,709 --> 00:02:16,812 Oh, I totally bought it, but my self-esteem is so low 59 00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:18,193 that I'll go along with whatever you feel. 60 00:02:18,217 --> 00:02:19,941 - He's a liar and he sucks. - I know, right? 61 00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,567 Fuck that little asshole! 62 00:02:21,591 --> 00:02:23,152 I love when you don't have any conviction. 63 00:02:23,176 --> 00:02:24,426 Then I do too. 64 00:02:25,428 --> 00:02:27,508 Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia. 65 00:02:27,889 --> 00:02:29,389 Until the asteroid hit. 66 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,999 One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa 67 00:02:33,023 --> 00:02:35,081 and escaped into, uh, the space, 68 00:02:35,105 --> 00:02:37,525 searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds. 69 00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:41,170 We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet. 70 00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:42,880 That's right, I've been talking this whole time. 71 00:02:42,904 --> 00:02:44,632 I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo. 72 00:02:44,656 --> 00:02:47,053 This is... this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me? 73 00:02:47,077 --> 00:02:48,511 This is ridiculous. 74 00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:50,391 I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. 75 00:02:50,415 --> 00:02:52,723 People are stupid. They're always arguing about politics. 76 00:02:52,747 --> 00:02:54,730 Everyone is so busy arguing about politics, 77 00:02:54,754 --> 00:02:57,019 but no one is talking about how the Earth is an egg. 78 00:02:57,043 --> 00:02:58,479 Why aren't they talking about that? 79 00:03:08,138 --> 00:03:09,949 What is with humans' obsession with fitness? 80 00:03:09,973 --> 00:03:12,243 Haven't they figured out that cardio causes cancer? 81 00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:14,082 Oh geez, we're running the mile today? 82 00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:16,958 I wore my fuck-me pumps. I can't run in them, they're rentals! 83 00:03:16,982 --> 00:03:18,126 I suck at it too. 84 00:03:18,150 --> 00:03:21,252 My legs were made for operating the left-right orientation pedals 85 00:03:21,276 --> 00:03:23,882 in a hunter kill star tripper, not running in a circle. 86 00:03:23,906 --> 00:03:25,882 - Eh, let's just walk it. Nobody's gonna notice. 87 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,301 Don't you remember what happened last year? 88 00:03:28,325 --> 00:03:29,552 I'm gonna puke. 89 00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:30,972 A 15-minute mile? 90 00:03:30,996 --> 00:03:33,641 I am not letting you freaks bring down the school average. 91 00:03:33,665 --> 00:03:37,020 Our math and science budget is based on how fast you little shits can move. 92 00:03:37,044 --> 00:03:39,145 Everybody's running again! 93 00:03:39,169 --> 00:03:40,356 And if you don't like doing it, 94 00:03:40,380 --> 00:03:44,442 you can thank Mr. And Mrs. Kingdom of the Crystal Fucking Skull over here. 95 00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,242 My noogie rash just cleared up. 96 00:03:49,266 --> 00:03:51,262 - That's it. We are not doing this again. 97 00:03:52,974 --> 00:03:54,814 Access cheating devices. 98 00:03:55,810 --> 00:03:58,289 Ooh, I didn't know you had a pocket dimension. 99 00:03:58,313 --> 00:04:00,583 - Pretty sweet, right? - Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink. 100 00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:02,117 You don't get to choose the color! 101 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,879 Wait, you're going to use The Time Cheater helmet? 102 00:04:04,903 --> 00:04:05,800 Isn't that cheating? 103 00:04:05,824 --> 00:04:07,590 Oh yeah, it's as cheating as you can get. 104 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:11,471 But, but all the after-school programs I watch say cheating never works! 105 00:04:11,495 --> 00:04:13,721 Look, you want people to be mean to us all year? Hm? 106 00:04:13,745 --> 00:04:16,205 Or do you wanna be cheaters for one quick second? 107 00:04:17,916 --> 00:04:20,022 Well, alright, but just this once. 108 00:04:20,046 --> 00:04:21,479 We gotta be careful, too. 109 00:04:21,503 --> 00:04:22,980 'Cause according to VeggieTales, 110 00:04:23,004 --> 00:04:25,069 cheating will make you a gay potato. 111 00:04:25,093 --> 00:04:26,920 That's a chance I'm willing to take. 112 00:04:28,885 --> 00:04:30,821 What's with the helmets and backpacks? 113 00:04:30,845 --> 00:04:32,869 Um, you're actually not allowed to ask us about it 114 00:04:32,893 --> 00:04:35,701 because they power our gender identity or whatever. 115 00:04:35,725 --> 00:04:38,832 Fine. You two better blow me away with your mile time this year, 116 00:04:38,856 --> 00:04:41,290 or I will fucking kill you. 117 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:55,513 You did the entire mile in exactly one minute? 118 00:04:55,537 --> 00:04:57,980 - That was fast, right? So we can stop doing this stupid test? 119 00:04:58,004 --> 00:05:01,102 - No! Of course you can't. Because you two are obviously chee... 120 00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:03,187 - Aw no, here it comes. I knew it. 121 00:05:03,211 --> 00:05:04,689 The best runners we've ever had. 122 00:05:04,713 --> 00:05:08,025 These beautiful aliens are going to regionals! 123 00:05:08,049 --> 00:05:11,406 Regionals? Oh no. Are you sure we aren't getting in over our head? 124 00:05:11,430 --> 00:05:13,114 Oh yeah. We definitely are. 125 00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:16,075 American Airlines? One ticket to Regionals in Hawaii please. 126 00:05:16,099 --> 00:05:17,159 Are you okay with coach? 127 00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,500 - Am I okay with what? - Coach? 128 00:05:18,524 --> 00:05:20,329 Yes, I am the coach and the principal. 129 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:21,914 Uh, no, I mean economy. 130 00:05:21,938 --> 00:05:23,249 We all know the economy's great, 131 00:05:23,273 --> 00:05:25,130 but you're not talking me into an expensive ticket. 132 00:05:25,154 --> 00:05:26,669 Let's start over: Nonstop? 133 00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:28,254 Wow, okay. 134 00:05:28,278 --> 00:05:29,922 One ticket to regionals in your finest seat please. 135 00:05:29,946 --> 00:05:32,216 I'd like to pay with a credit card ending in 7624. 136 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,030 I'm just going to put you in first class to end this conversation. 137 00:05:35,744 --> 00:05:37,284 Works every time. 138 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:41,559 That swole tomato's up to something, I can feel it in my mound. 139 00:05:41,583 --> 00:05:42,768 We need to be ready for an attack. 140 00:05:42,792 --> 00:05:44,439 I'm going to take half my suicide pills now 141 00:05:44,463 --> 00:05:46,689 and save the other half for when he tortures us. 142 00:05:47,674 --> 00:05:49,734 If you're a Girl Scout, say it now, 143 00:05:49,758 --> 00:05:50,860 and I will still shoot you. 144 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,153 - It's Jen! - Please don't kill us! 145 00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:54,363 - Not even! Sorry for dropping by unannounced, 146 00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:56,699 I just really need to ask you guys for a favor. 147 00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:59,288 Let me guess, you want us to shoot ourselves through our throats? 148 00:05:59,312 --> 00:06:00,161 Well, fat chance! 149 00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:03,895 Uh, no. I-I was wondering if you two would come to our wedding? 150 00:06:04,272 --> 00:06:05,499 It's a trap, Terry, run! 151 00:06:05,523 --> 00:06:07,460 - No, stop. Gooby doesn't know I'm here. 152 00:06:07,484 --> 00:06:09,545 You guys are the closest thing he has to family. 153 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,130 If you came to our wedding, it might let him 154 00:06:11,154 --> 00:06:12,840 finally make peace with his past. 155 00:06:12,864 --> 00:06:14,550 Attend a Red Goobler wedding? 156 00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:16,719 Ha. No fucking way. 157 00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:19,308 Listen, as long as that goobler's got something else in his life, 158 00:06:19,332 --> 00:06:21,349 he won't be trying to cut out your eyes and shit in your mouth. 159 00:06:21,373 --> 00:06:23,851 - You might have a point. Your annual one good idea. 160 00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:25,899 Nuh-uh, I had a good idea last week! Remember? 161 00:06:25,923 --> 00:06:27,688 I raised money for our frat by selling pies, 162 00:06:27,712 --> 00:06:29,357 but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked picture 163 00:06:29,381 --> 00:06:30,733 of the Alpha Beta's girlfriends? 164 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:33,572 That's why we sold so many pies? The whole pie thing? Remember? 165 00:06:33,596 --> 00:06:35,029 I will attend your ceremony, 166 00:06:35,053 --> 00:06:38,032 to trick the Red Goobler into being happy so he won't hurt me anymore. 167 00:06:38,056 --> 00:06:41,035 Fine, but can you also not be this weird at the wedding? 168 00:06:41,059 --> 00:06:42,078 My mom's gonna there and... 169 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,499 - Shut up. There's only one problem: 170 00:06:43,523 --> 00:06:45,706 you're far too basic to keep Red Goobler satisfied. 171 00:06:45,730 --> 00:06:48,127 And if you break up, he'll become more dangerous than ever before. 172 00:06:48,151 --> 00:06:51,128 - I'm engaged to a goobler. I'm as not basic as they come. 173 00:06:51,152 --> 00:06:52,880 Your name is Jen, you're very forgettable. 174 00:06:52,904 --> 00:06:55,007 Where do you shop, T. J. Minimum? 175 00:06:55,031 --> 00:06:56,928 Sure he loves you now, but once he's sick of you 176 00:06:56,952 --> 00:06:58,970 like we already are, it's back to hunting me! 177 00:06:58,994 --> 00:07:01,222 I'm starting to understand why Red hates you. 178 00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:02,473 Ah! What the hell? - Quick, Terry, 179 00:07:02,497 --> 00:07:04,064 go grab the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray! 180 00:07:04,088 --> 00:07:05,332 On it! Ah! 181 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:09,480 Terry, help! 182 00:07:09,504 --> 00:07:12,817 This Lululemon basic ho is kicking my ass in the most boring way possible! 183 00:07:12,841 --> 00:07:14,402 Shoot her with the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray! 184 00:07:14,426 --> 00:07:15,281 What the hell is that! 185 00:07:15,305 --> 00:07:17,659 Hold still, this ray's gonna make you terrific and some other stuff. 186 00:07:17,683 --> 00:07:20,241 - Don't you dare shoot me with that! I'll sue you! 187 00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:21,765 She's getting basic-er by the second! 188 00:07:28,398 --> 00:07:29,792 Give me that. 189 00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:31,752 You used the wrong ray! This is the Rat Ray! 190 00:07:31,776 --> 00:07:33,696 We needed the R-A-T Ray. 191 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:35,673 It's right there, you idiot. 192 00:07:35,697 --> 00:07:37,430 Can't you read? - Of course I can. 193 00:07:37,454 --> 00:07:39,510 He can't. 194 00:07:39,534 --> 00:07:41,262 Why would you put them in order of first letter? 195 00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:43,810 - It's alphabetical, Terry! - Oh my god. What does that mean? 196 00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:45,500 Ahh! - Shit! Grab her, grab her! 197 00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:48,145 Oh my god, Terry, if we don't get her back in time for the wedding, 198 00:07:48,169 --> 00:07:49,478 the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure! 199 00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:52,190 Fuck! Okay, okay, okay, I'll find her and de-rat her 200 00:07:52,214 --> 00:07:53,781 while you keep the Red Goobler distracted. 201 00:07:53,805 --> 00:07:54,942 Come out, Jen. 202 00:07:54,966 --> 00:07:58,243 We can go to a coffee shop that has a painting of wings on a wall, 203 00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:00,698 you can pose in front of it, so fun. 204 00:08:00,753 --> 00:08:02,292 Get the fuck out here! 205 00:08:03,478 --> 00:08:04,862 Ice cream break. 206 00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:07,622 I want a Sonic pop. 207 00:08:07,646 --> 00:08:10,166 Not the new design Twitter bullied them into. The original! 208 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,250 Oh no, that's too complicated. 209 00:08:11,274 --> 00:08:13,299 Give me a Ninja Turtle pop from the second of the first movies 210 00:08:13,323 --> 00:08:14,378 but not from the cartoons! 211 00:08:14,402 --> 00:08:16,380 Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Rat Jen, no! 212 00:08:16,404 --> 00:08:17,632 Ring me up! Come on, let's go. 213 00:08:17,656 --> 00:08:19,036 Go, ninja! Go, ninja, go! 214 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,231 Welcome to your bachelor party! 215 00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:34,612 Red already had one of these a month ago. 216 00:08:34,636 --> 00:08:36,275 We built an orphanage in Nicaragua. 217 00:08:36,299 --> 00:08:38,194 - Goddammit, Tanner! You're always undercutting me. 218 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:38,945 Who are you? 219 00:08:38,969 --> 00:08:41,614 I'm the guy who dropped mucho shekels on a penthouse suite. 220 00:08:41,638 --> 00:08:43,199 And not to distract you from anything, 221 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,700 only because I love hospitality. 222 00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,871 - Oh, that's amazing, Korvo! Thank you! 223 00:08:46,895 --> 00:08:48,412 This is a dream come true. 224 00:08:48,436 --> 00:08:50,333 Ever since I saw Wedding Crashers, 225 00:08:50,357 --> 00:08:52,920 I've wanted to have a Hangover-themed bachelor party. 226 00:08:52,944 --> 00:08:54,961 It's your big night, baby. 227 00:08:54,985 --> 00:08:57,302 Hangover stuff! 228 00:08:57,326 --> 00:08:58,589 Whoa! 229 00:08:58,613 --> 00:09:00,800 This is the last night before Red Goobler sells his land 230 00:09:00,824 --> 00:09:03,010 to Jen's family in exchange for her dusty womb. 231 00:09:03,034 --> 00:09:04,181 Let's make it one to remember! 232 00:09:04,205 --> 00:09:06,222 Hell yeah! Let me just check in with Jen, 233 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:07,166 and then we can hit the fl... 234 00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:11,002 - No phones, bro! Bachelor party rules! 235 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:14,730 Let's hit the strip Indiana Jones passage of time style! 236 00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,071 Cocaine for everyone! 237 00:09:16,095 --> 00:09:17,692 Brrrr! 238 00:09:17,716 --> 00:09:19,652 - Oh! - Oh yeah. 239 00:09:30,312 --> 00:09:33,624 Wow. Regionals is everything I thought it would be. 240 00:09:33,648 --> 00:09:35,585 Alright, you filthy fucking aliens, if you guys win, 241 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:38,189 we're gonna be drowning in Hawaiian pussy. 242 00:09:38,486 --> 00:09:39,866 Do this for me. 243 00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:42,675 - Oh no, oh man. There are so many people here. 244 00:09:42,699 --> 00:09:43,968 We're gonna get caught for sure. 245 00:09:43,992 --> 00:09:45,889 Okay, look, I'll dial back the Cheater device. 246 00:09:45,913 --> 00:09:47,807 That way, we can compete but still lose. 247 00:09:47,831 --> 00:09:49,640 Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach 248 00:09:49,664 --> 00:09:50,811 while Cooke gets his rocks off. 249 00:09:50,835 --> 00:09:52,059 Okay. 250 00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:54,713 On your marks. Get set. 251 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,528 Holy fuck! Yes! 252 00:10:03,183 --> 00:10:05,323 - Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch! 253 00:10:05,347 --> 00:10:06,866 We went even faster that time! 254 00:10:06,890 --> 00:10:08,367 Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way! 255 00:10:08,391 --> 00:10:10,453 Maybe nobody noticed! 256 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,714 Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you two... 257 00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:14,957 Oh god, we're so sorry. 258 00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:18,669 A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt made us do it! 259 00:10:18,693 --> 00:10:21,214 We don't even like going fast. 260 00:10:21,238 --> 00:10:23,549 Stacy Grabowski, this is my partner Flart. 261 00:10:23,573 --> 00:10:26,010 We're with the Federal Student Athlete Police. 262 00:10:26,034 --> 00:10:28,221 There's something suspicious going on here. 263 00:10:28,245 --> 00:10:29,392 D-uh. What do you mean? 264 00:10:29,416 --> 00:10:30,973 It's suspicious that 265 00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:32,644 you two aren't running in the Olympics! 266 00:10:32,668 --> 00:10:33,976 You're so fast! 267 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,812 Holy shit. I saw that coming a mile away. Get it? 268 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:39,570 We're here scouting for the US Teen Olympic track team, 269 00:10:39,594 --> 00:10:41,275 and we just need you on our roster. 270 00:10:41,299 --> 00:10:43,110 The race is this Sunday in Moscow. 271 00:10:43,134 --> 00:10:46,200 Now we'll finally be able to beat those no-good cheatin' Russians 272 00:10:46,224 --> 00:10:50,038 with the most morally sound pair of supersonic American children! 273 00:10:50,062 --> 00:10:52,662 Ruskie Pusskie, here we comski! 274 00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:53,736 Mm, yeah. 275 00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:57,669 We're doing a blood pact. 276 00:10:57,693 --> 00:10:59,361 Hurry before I get dizzy. 277 00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:01,462 Shit, sorry, 278 00:11:01,486 --> 00:11:03,826 I forgot how much my blood loves the taste of human blood. 279 00:11:04,406 --> 00:11:06,342 Classic Vegas moment. 280 00:11:07,207 --> 00:11:09,700 Jen, get that tight rat ass back here, girl! 281 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,143 Ooh, that's right, 282 00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:14,058 it's the entire series of Terriers on Blu-Ray. 283 00:11:14,082 --> 00:11:16,269 Rats love Terriers, don't you? 284 00:11:16,293 --> 00:11:17,979 There you go. Good girl. 285 00:11:18,003 --> 00:11:19,689 They should have never canceled it. 286 00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,110 What the fuck were they thinking? 287 00:11:21,134 --> 00:11:23,109 Nah. Ah, damn it! Which one is Jen? 288 00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:24,610 Ah, they all have great asses! 289 00:11:24,634 --> 00:11:26,320 Goddammit. Okay, Terry, buckle down. 290 00:11:26,344 --> 00:11:28,451 This is your moment to shine. I will not rest until... 291 00:11:28,475 --> 00:11:29,931 Ooh, ice cream! 292 00:11:30,682 --> 00:11:32,702 Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible!" 293 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,163 before proving the exact opposite. 294 00:11:34,187 --> 00:11:35,496 You put in six bullets! 295 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:36,998 Don't you know how to play Russian Roulette? 296 00:11:37,022 --> 00:11:39,587 No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out as we went along. 297 00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,502 And now I know. Less bullets, got it. 298 00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:42,826 Don't worry, I can fix this. 299 00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,236 Whoa! 300 00:11:44,946 --> 00:11:46,303 I don't want to go into too much detail here, 301 00:11:46,327 --> 00:11:48,801 but, uh, it turns out only some dogs go to Heaven. 302 00:11:48,825 --> 00:11:51,262 The other dogs are racist. White dogs. 303 00:11:54,206 --> 00:11:55,933 Come on, come on. 304 00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,752 Ahh, why didn't I just do two trips? 305 00:12:01,129 --> 00:12:02,499 Hopefully, none of those were Jen. 306 00:12:03,298 --> 00:12:05,610 AISHA, I need a machine that puts wedding dresses on rats. 307 00:12:05,634 --> 00:12:07,724 Oooh! That's machine 25. 308 00:12:12,182 --> 00:12:14,493 Come on, where are you, you basic bride. 309 00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:17,147 Probably buying a rug at Cost Plus World Market. 310 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,126 What a night of distracting activities! 311 00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:25,922 I haven't had to bury a body in the desert in quite some time. 312 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,802 Thank you for tonight. I know you put a lot of thought into it. 313 00:12:28,826 --> 00:12:30,470 Anything for you, Red Goobler. 314 00:12:30,494 --> 00:12:33,307 Hey, would it be crazy if I changed my name to Chris? 315 00:12:33,331 --> 00:12:36,641 - It's a strong, beautiful name. It suits you... Chris. 316 00:12:36,665 --> 00:12:38,392 Here. Let me see your hand. 317 00:12:38,416 --> 00:12:40,436 Ooh, your hands are so warm. 318 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,771 Look at your stress line. 319 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:44,572 It begins at your palm and travels all the way to your heart. 320 00:12:44,596 --> 00:12:47,089 Mm. That feels good. 321 00:12:50,887 --> 00:12:52,437 Are we doing this? 322 00:12:53,431 --> 00:12:55,785 Hey! Hey! Dude. Buddy. 323 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,370 Come on, wake up. I need my stuff! 324 00:12:57,394 --> 00:13:00,171 Ugh. How is he sleeping through that alarm, it's like blaring. 325 00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:07,880 I told you you'd get fucked. 326 00:13:07,904 --> 00:13:10,011 Uhh, I didn't know it was foreshadowing. 327 00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:14,470 Oh God, I just cheated on Jen, 328 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:15,763 and I don't regret it! 329 00:13:15,787 --> 00:13:17,314 Does that mean we shouldn't get married? 330 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,016 No. You still need to get married. 331 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,120 To me! We're Runaway Bride-ing this shit! 332 00:13:27,966 --> 00:13:29,443 Ugh. This is it. We're done. 333 00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:31,362 Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters 334 00:13:31,386 --> 00:13:34,031 and then they're gonna kill us just like they did with Lance Armstrong. 335 00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:35,622 He wasn't killed, they just took one nut. 336 00:13:35,646 --> 00:13:38,246 - But we don't have any nuts! What are they gonna take? 337 00:13:38,270 --> 00:13:40,746 Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as it feels. 338 00:13:40,770 --> 00:13:42,707 Nobody pays attention to the Teen Olympics. 339 00:13:42,731 --> 00:13:44,101 I haven't even heard of it before. 340 00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:47,003 Michelle Obama? 341 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,379 Jesse, Yummy! 342 00:13:48,403 --> 00:13:51,007 My two American superstars. 343 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,842 Um, hi. What's up, MO? 344 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,263 Ever since I became President in this timeline, 345 00:13:55,287 --> 00:13:57,346 I've been looking for heroes. 346 00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,308 You two are the image of honesty and integrity, 347 00:14:00,332 --> 00:14:03,561 which is why I bet the entire US treasury 348 00:14:03,585 --> 00:14:05,104 on you to win today. 349 00:14:05,128 --> 00:14:06,647 - Aw, man, that's legal? - Hell yeah. 350 00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,987 Bush was riding high after 9/11, and he lost it all on WrestleMania. 351 00:14:10,011 --> 00:14:14,113 So the entire fate of the country relies on us winning honestly? 352 00:14:14,137 --> 00:14:16,784 Yes. And if you lose, we'll have to close America, 353 00:14:16,808 --> 00:14:19,566 and everyone in the world will know it's your fault. 354 00:14:21,978 --> 00:14:24,207 - I'll admit this has gone way too far. - You think? 355 00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:25,958 Let's just say we didn't eat enough McDonald's 356 00:14:25,982 --> 00:14:28,169 so now we have explosive diarrhea and can't run. 357 00:14:28,193 --> 00:14:30,087 No. Enough is enough. 358 00:14:30,111 --> 00:14:32,632 We can't just keep cheating and hoping nobody kills us. 359 00:14:32,656 --> 00:14:34,680 This is done. - You're so right. 360 00:14:34,704 --> 00:14:36,719 It's time for us to stand up and come clean. 361 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,350 This charade ends now. 362 00:14:38,374 --> 00:14:41,807 Because what good is the fame, the money, the sex, 363 00:14:41,831 --> 00:14:44,602 the American Express commercials with Tina Fey and Michael Che? 364 00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:49,941 You've won the hearts of millions with your speed 365 00:14:49,965 --> 00:14:52,193 but mostly with your integrity. 366 00:14:52,217 --> 00:14:53,284 - Thank you. - You betcha. 367 00:14:53,308 --> 00:14:55,613 All of us in the country have chipped in 368 00:14:55,637 --> 00:14:57,949 to get you a little present. 369 00:14:57,973 --> 00:14:59,867 Ten million dollars! 370 00:14:59,891 --> 00:15:03,037 A million for each second you took to run the mile today. 371 00:15:03,061 --> 00:15:04,580 Woo! So fast. 372 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:10,803 We should've done this sooner. 373 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,588 I've been searching for a life-mate for years 374 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,468 not knowing one was inside me all along. 375 00:15:14,492 --> 00:15:15,967 I'm yours forever, Korvy. 376 00:15:15,991 --> 00:15:18,097 Quick, love, Apple Maps the nearest chapel. 377 00:15:18,121 --> 00:15:21,055 There's a fast casual Mormon castle two miles away. 378 00:15:21,079 --> 00:15:24,559 Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast together, as a couple, while we drive. 379 00:15:24,583 --> 00:15:28,145 Today, we'll be talking about the sound of brass. 380 00:15:28,169 --> 00:15:28,938 Brass tones... 381 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,690 Can we, uh, listen to something else? 382 00:15:30,714 --> 00:15:31,983 Come on, give it a chance. 383 00:15:32,007 --> 00:15:34,324 If this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other. 384 00:15:34,348 --> 00:15:36,659 And I honestly hate everything about this podcast. 385 00:15:36,683 --> 00:15:39,848 - Fine, my sweet. What do you want to listen to? 386 00:15:40,891 --> 00:15:42,451 See, Ayahuasca might actually be 387 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,331 the tree of life we've been searching for. 388 00:15:44,355 --> 00:15:46,622 The healing properties are astronomical. 389 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,920 Free guns don't come free. You have to lick feet. 390 00:15:48,944 --> 00:15:50,668 - This guy sucks! I don't like this. 391 00:15:50,692 --> 00:15:53,379 What? Joe Rogan is our generation's Maya Angelou. 392 00:15:53,403 --> 00:15:55,506 Our generation already has a Maya Angelou. 393 00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:56,427 It's Mark Cuban! 394 00:15:56,451 --> 00:15:58,175 - Hey, hun? - Yes, darling? 395 00:15:58,199 --> 00:16:00,094 I love you, but you sound like an asshole 396 00:16:00,118 --> 00:16:01,304 when you say stuff like that. 397 00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:03,139 How can I sound like an asshole when I don't even have one? 398 00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,480 Also, what were you fucking me in earlier in that one scene? 399 00:16:05,504 --> 00:16:07,852 Dammit, I'm gooblering! See what you made me do? 400 00:16:07,876 --> 00:16:10,256 Well, you liked what I made you do last night, slut! 401 00:16:12,756 --> 00:16:15,676 - This isn't gonna work, is it, Chris? - I'm afraid it isn't. 402 00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:19,532 What have I done? I can't believe I ruined what I had with Jen. 403 00:16:19,556 --> 00:16:21,949 I'm an idiot. I al... I always do this. 404 00:16:21,973 --> 00:16:23,159 Maybe it's not too late. 405 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,619 May... maybe we can get you back for the wedding. 406 00:16:24,643 --> 00:16:26,458 - We don't have time. - We have plenty of... 407 00:16:26,482 --> 00:16:29,498 Shit! We gotta hurry! I forgot time always moves forward on this planet. 408 00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:33,964 You're such a bad driver. 409 00:16:33,988 --> 00:16:35,115 I fucking hate you. 410 00:16:35,445 --> 00:16:37,052 Tell me about yourself. 411 00:16:37,076 --> 00:16:38,841 Squeeeeeeee. 412 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:41,093 - Wait. Jen? - Reee, reee, squeee. 413 00:16:41,117 --> 00:16:41,997 Dammit! You're a rat. 414 00:16:42,494 --> 00:16:43,429 Squeeee. 415 00:16:43,453 --> 00:16:45,098 Fuck it! I just have to make you awesome. 416 00:16:45,122 --> 00:16:46,661 Red Goobler won't even notice the difference. 417 00:16:48,458 --> 00:16:50,019 Ree. Reeee. 418 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:51,148 Squee, squee. 419 00:16:51,172 --> 00:16:53,419 That's it, you guys sound cool as hell! 420 00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:56,359 Hey, just want to say again, 421 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,236 congrats on winning everything one could win 422 00:16:58,260 --> 00:16:59,590 and doing it without cheating. 423 00:17:00,428 --> 00:17:02,073 Ugh, I can't take it anymore! 424 00:17:02,097 --> 00:17:03,494 When are we going to learn a lesson? 425 00:17:03,518 --> 00:17:05,662 Usually getting away with things makes me feel good, 426 00:17:05,686 --> 00:17:06,702 but this blows. 427 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,082 Getting into USC as a long snapper was the last straw. 428 00:17:09,106 --> 00:17:12,460 Usually at this point in our adventures, we've learned a lesson. 429 00:17:12,484 --> 00:17:14,293 I feel like ants are crawling on my skin. 430 00:17:14,317 --> 00:17:16,801 Is it cold? Is it hot? Oh god, I'm sweating and freezing! 431 00:17:16,825 --> 00:17:18,216 We're in lesson withdrawal! 432 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,758 We're gonna keep feeling this way unless we learn some lesson. 433 00:17:20,782 --> 00:17:22,552 But how? What can we do? 434 00:17:22,576 --> 00:17:24,053 Wait! This whole time, we've been cheating. 435 00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,724 But what if cheated even more than ever before 436 00:17:26,748 --> 00:17:29,684 and used another sci-fi device to double down on cheating? 437 00:17:29,708 --> 00:17:31,310 Do we have anything that teaches a lesson? 438 00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:33,608 Well, we do have that Lesson-alyzer helmet, 439 00:17:33,632 --> 00:17:36,023 but, I mean, we don't wanna use that, do we? 440 00:17:39,509 --> 00:17:40,945 Did it work? Did you learn a lesson? 441 00:17:40,969 --> 00:17:43,072 Oh yeah, and it feels amazing. 442 00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:45,411 I learned "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." 443 00:17:45,435 --> 00:17:47,222 - Oooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! 444 00:17:47,851 --> 00:17:49,912 Oh yeah, that's the good stuff. 445 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,210 - What did you get? - "Beer before liquor, never sicker." 446 00:17:52,234 --> 00:17:53,626 Oh, that's a good one. 447 00:17:53,650 --> 00:17:55,459 - You want another hit? - Yeah, fuck yeah. 448 00:17:55,483 --> 00:17:57,461 I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women 449 00:17:57,485 --> 00:17:58,671 to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on! 450 00:17:58,695 --> 00:18:00,673 That's the most Solar Opposites thing I've ever heard. 451 00:18:00,697 --> 00:18:02,592 Ohhh yeah. 452 00:18:02,616 --> 00:18:05,013 "The thicker the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'." 453 00:18:05,037 --> 00:18:07,205 I gotta remember that when I'm at the couch store. 454 00:18:12,209 --> 00:18:14,999 We must never speak about what happened in that hotel room. 455 00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:17,066 I'm talking about the fucking. 456 00:18:17,090 --> 00:18:19,567 - No shit, you idiot. Why would you bring that up right now? 457 00:18:19,591 --> 00:18:20,651 I'm about to get married. 458 00:18:20,675 --> 00:18:23,409 Sorry, I just hope that you and Jen stay happily married, 459 00:18:23,433 --> 00:18:25,114 keeping us safe from your repressed rage. 460 00:18:35,899 --> 00:18:38,628 - Multiple brides? Are we doing a YouTube thing? 461 00:18:38,652 --> 00:18:41,217 Jen! Which one's Jen? 462 00:18:41,241 --> 00:18:43,549 Aw, man, if you don't know, then I definitely don't. 463 00:18:43,573 --> 00:18:46,219 - She's not here! Who the hell are these brides? 464 00:18:46,243 --> 00:18:47,970 - Terry, what the hell? You... you didn't find her? 465 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,806 - What do you mean "find her"? What the fuck is going on? 466 00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:51,975 Oh wow, where to begin. 467 00:18:51,999 --> 00:18:53,434 I turned that bitch into a rat. 468 00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:54,393 What? 469 00:18:54,417 --> 00:18:56,901 - "Ass, grass, or gas. Nobody rides for free." 470 00:18:56,925 --> 00:19:00,107 - Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags! You've ruined my life! 471 00:19:00,131 --> 00:19:01,317 You know what, screw you, Red Chris! 472 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,277 You pillow talk told me you didn't really love Jen. 473 00:19:03,301 --> 00:19:05,696 - Yeah, this wasn't our fault... Wait, pillow talk? 474 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,367 Did you two doink? - Nothing. Forget it. 475 00:19:07,391 --> 00:19:09,075 We banged. Shut up about it. 476 00:19:09,099 --> 00:19:12,370 The best way to cope with stress is to confront it. 477 00:19:12,394 --> 00:19:15,665 Only then can you truly be happy. 478 00:19:15,689 --> 00:19:18,209 Or at least satisfied a little bit. 479 00:19:18,233 --> 00:19:20,419 - She's right. You are my stress, Red Goobler. 480 00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:23,923 I, I should have never gotten caught up trying to manage you or work with you. 481 00:19:23,947 --> 00:19:25,512 I have to set boundaries. 482 00:19:25,536 --> 00:19:26,782 By lasering your ass! 483 00:19:27,576 --> 00:19:29,076 Ah! 484 00:19:31,872 --> 00:19:32,872 Get fucked! 485 00:19:33,665 --> 00:19:35,393 Goddammit, now we're back where we started. 486 00:19:35,417 --> 00:19:37,270 But we all learned a valuable lesson. 487 00:19:37,294 --> 00:19:38,729 At least you did, about stress, 488 00:19:38,753 --> 00:19:40,398 and I guess the replicants did about cheating. 489 00:19:40,422 --> 00:19:41,649 I-I didn't learn anything at all. 490 00:19:41,673 --> 00:19:42,818 Give Terry the lesson helmet 491 00:19:42,842 --> 00:19:44,591 so he can learn a lesson like the rest of us. 492 00:19:46,636 --> 00:19:47,283 Whoa, 493 00:19:47,307 --> 00:19:48,823 I just learned that sometimes 494 00:19:48,847 --> 00:19:51,284 emotional stories don't fit into a rigid structure, 495 00:19:51,308 --> 00:19:53,578 and you just have to embrace the chaos and not worry about it. 496 00:19:53,602 --> 00:19:55,272 As a family. 497 00:20:19,878 --> 00:20:22,064 If you feel like you haven't learned a lesson, please visit 498 00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:26,194 www.thesolaropposites.com/lessonalyzer 499 00:20:26,218 --> 00:20:28,946 You get the first lesson for free, but it's on the honor system after that. 500 00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:30,406 So you have to send us money. 501 00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:32,617 And if you agree to send the money, then you've learned a lesson. 502 00:20:32,641 --> 00:20:35,453 And if you don't, well, you're a dick that steals from cartoons.